And now the last
by Itisariddle
Summary: Harry Potter did not expect to find Pansy Parkinson in this place. He had not expected to find Pansy Parkinson anywhere and at all. Reposting this story.
1. Chapter 1

And now the last

 **Summary:** After the end of the war Pansy Parkinson is left lost and alone but she is not the only one feeling this way. Harry Potter/Pansy Parkinson, Rating: T, EWE, Post-war.

 **A/N: This is a gift for my friend ladiefury for getting me completely obsessed with this couple.**

I need to thank **Ashenrenee** who has been a huge help in looking over this story in its early stages. Eternal gratitude also to **Colubrina** , the constant word of reason in my crazy, my friend and my writing supporter. There are not enough words to thank you for what you do for me.

 **Note of caution:** I am incapable of writing a story set in the hp universe in which Snape isn't a major character. I'm working on a sevmione fic next to this one and as I rewrote this one I found Sev creeping in where he doesn't belong because that's how my head works. I understand that that's not everyone's cup of tea so here, you are warned.

 **Disclaimer:** **I am not J.K. Rowling I make no money off of this fanfiction the characters from the Harry Potter universe do not belong to me.**

* * *

 _At day, she circled over us – a swallow;_

 _A smile – she blossomed on our scarlet lips…_

 _At night, she choked both us, the hollow,_

 _With her cold hand – in different cities' deeps._

Днем перед нами ласточкой кружила,

Улыбкой расцветала на губах,

А ночью ледяной рукой душила

Обоих разом. В разных городах.

 **\- Anna Achmatova**

* * *

 **Chapter 1**

Snow covered the sound of Harry Potter's footfalls as he carefully chose his way through the maze of graves. He could see his breath on the air making small puffs of mist like a confirmation of his every step.

 _Congratulations you are still alive it still hurts._

He walked faster until he saw the neat lane divide, leaving one final resting place, a small row of gravestones haphazardly placed sticking from the earth as if some child god had fancied a game of dominoes but abandoned his efforts mid set up. The old graveyard swallowed up the earth that still looked moist on some of the newer graves, as if they had been freshly dug.

They had to dig graves at an alarming pace last summer.

Harry walked straight on. His shoes were covered in mud and dirt, his eyes fixed on a lonely black gravestone standing at the end of this new row and sticking out in the middle of the grey ones like a gem.

Severus Snape

09- 01 - 1960 02- 05- 1998

Nothing else. No inscription to frighten him or make his heart beat faster. Nothing to lessen the shame chewing into his insides. Harry took in a shaking breath and stood unable to get closer, unable to move. The air smelled of rain. The sound of crunching snow behind him told Harry he was not alone. He tensed for a minute but the presence did not seem hostile.

Behind the gravestone stood an old statue of an angel covering his face with his hands. Harry glanced at the statue feeling his stomach clench. His eyes travelled restlessly between the dark stone with it's simple inscription and the white angel behind it, bright and crying. He swallowed hard, feeling his body shake with suppressed fury. He could not undo this death, he could not take back the things he had thought of Severus Snape while the man had still been alive.

Images, memories of memories, most not his own filled his mind, and he gave into them.

He wouldn't leave.

Pansy Parkinson stood in the shadows her eyes on the young man in front of her. He was trembling, his dark hair a mess, his fists clenched tight at his sides. He seemed on the verge of something, some inner storm barely kept in check was about to spill from him. She couldn't see his face but she didn't have to, to guess that she didn't want to be here whenever Harry Potter decided to explode.

Pansy frowned.

She had simply wanted to come to this grave and think. Everybody came here. Draco came here. Somewhere inside herself she could detect a faint hope. A fluttering thing inside her chest, buried in the anger. Some hope that Draco would be her that he would stand up from his knees beside the grave, turn to her and smile that stupid, surprised half smile. He would say her name and then…and then. But Pansy couldn't think of an 'and then'. What would they do?

Kiss like they used to?

Here in this place? Heroine Princess finds her Prince and they kiss as we fade to black.

The End. Applause.

Pansy rolled her eyes. She wouldn't get that happy end. Instead of love she had her anger and instead of finding Draco at this grave, perhaps an angry, hurt resentful Draco but still a Draco that could be made her own, she found Harry Potter. The chosen savior looking as if he was about to burst with the effort it took to stand. What in the hell was he doing here?

This place was _theirs._ A Slytherin place in a world that still divided into houses long after Hogwarts was done it was important to have a place for those who had worn silver and green at the school. Harry Potter didn't belong in their place. He had already claimed the rest of the world.

Pansy shook her head once, hard as if trying to rid herself of an annoying fly. It started to rain. She pulled her hand through her hair hard enough to bring tears to her eyes.

She should just walk up there hang her scarf among the dozen or so Slytherin scarves that hung from that angel's wings and be done with it. Pay her respects and be done. She didn't even know what she was doing here anyway. The dead man in the ground meant nothing to her, the alive one above it was wrong. She took in a breath stood straight and started walking.

Harry's eyes flicked away from the gravestone when a figure suddenly walked past him with swift strides. There was something in the way she walked that made him register 'woman' before the rest of his brain caught up to his eyes. The woman stretched out trying to reach the angel's left wing and swing a scarf on it. When that didn't work she picked up a wand (Harry felt his hand twitch and had to contain the urge to go for his own) from the side pocket of her jacket and stared at the angel, her face scrunched up in concentration.

'Parkinson?'

'What?' she said without turning.

She flicked her wand and the scarf in her hand joined the ones draped around the angel's shoulders melting with them into a blur of silver and green. Harry pulled off his glasses wanting to clean them, then decided against it and placed them back again to stare at Pansy Parkinson once more.

'You're….you survived the battle' he said. It came out more surprised than he'd wanted to sound. Pansy turned towards him, her raised eyebrows made her face look elongated. She was also somehow blond, Harry didn't remember her ever being blond before.

He had not thought about Pansy Parkinson in a long time. Not since that night of the final battle when she had attempted to get the students to give him up to Voldemort. That memory was hazy, he had been so angry and tired and she was a Slytherin. He had barely registered her outburst back then. And after Voldemort fell so much had happened, he could barely keep up with what was happening in the lives of the people he did care about to spare time thinking about people like Pansy.

She glanced at him then turned away again to examine the angel, her head cocked to the side a hand on her hip. Harry again faintly felt a touch of that same feeling, the knowledge of seeing a woman. It was confusing and comforting at the same time and he suddenly wanted to hear her voice again.

'So what's with the scarfs?' he asked.

He needed to know that he wasn't alone standing here at this grave tonight. That there was another person, another human being, who made the trip by that crooked lane, who knew how the rusty cemetery gates had felt when he had pushed them open. Another person who felt the same rain falling on his face.

Pansy turned to the gravestone.

'He was hardly a man for flowers' she said placing a hand to the dark stone 'Theo Nott started the scarfs I think. Now we all do it.'

Her fingers thrummed on the grave and she smiled. ' He gave us a common room. Funny how unfunny that is.'

Harry nodded. He didn't really understand what she meant. The rain fell harder now. He reached for his wand to cast a spell against it then thought about the trouble of getting the wand out, getting the spell out and decided against it. Pansy screwed up her face against the rain and pulled her jacket tighter around her. He tried to find a way to make her stay longer, he should say something, do something. Perhaps he should have brought a scarf of his own.

'Do you come here often?' he asked pulling a hand through his hair.

Pansy raised her eyebrows and said nothing.

'I….I mean-' he blinked and stared at the stone. Smooth.

'No Potter I don't come here often' she said stiffly.

'I didn't mean it like that.'

Pansy shrugged.

'I'm- I am glad you are ok' he said 'I mean that you, you know survived. I really am.'

She smirked and stared at him the expression on her face one of disbelief.

'Well Potter seeing as how I did indeed survive, I guess I'll see you around.' she said turning, suddenly all motion. A wet chunk of blond hair clung to her cheek, she brushed it off impatiently and walked off with those same sure strides.

Harry stared after her for a long time ignoring the sudden chills running up his arms.

Pansy walked into the hall of her apartment kicking off her shoes as she went.

There she had done it. She had gone to the grave and added her worthless scarf to the pile of others. The tradition, if one could call it that, was questionable at best. Severus Snape deserved more...or nothing. She had not made her mind up on that regard yet.

She tossed old copies of The Prophet ( _Harry Potter the Boy who lived accepted to the Auror traineeship with honours!)_ and Witch Weekly ( _'It's just love' Ginny Weasley: How did she ensnare the Chosen one?)_ to the floor to make room at the living room table and sat in her favorite chair flicking her wand to start a fire in the small fireplace in the corner.

So what if she had seen Potter. He didn't even know she had survived the war. The chosen one was too busy to notice, unsurprisingly.

The apartment was cold, she usually needed to wear an extra sweater on top of two warming charms, the fireplace was more of a communication device. She glanced at it trying to bury the want inside her. She wanted the flames to turn bright green and show her Tracey's face or Draco's or Blaise's. But Blaise was abroad and Draco was probably out with Astoria Greengrass like he was almost every night these days.

She could call Tracey herself but that would mean enduring her pitying looks. Tracey Davis had a handsome suitor and parents who still talked to her. Pansy had an apartment that she could barely afford and parents who treated her as they would treat a squib. She couldn't exactly blame them. The match they had been working so hard on for years had fallen through suddenly and completely as soon as Astoria Greengrass had entered the scene. Astoria with her knowledge of muggle things and her accepting ways. Astoria and her speeches at Hogwarts her _kindness._ She couldn't compete with that. Not when she wanted to throw punches at every living thing near her.

Pansy turned her head to look at the wall opposite her and sank further into the chair. The wall was filled with pictures of her and Draco laughing, his father's ridiculous peacocks walking around them in a disapproving manner, of her and her girls sitting at the Three Broomsticks, Butterbeer in hand smiling and waving at the camera.

Pansy smiled, she loved those pictures she had put them up herself the Muggle way no magic.

They reminded her of what was god in her life.

The apartment was quiet as no silencing spell was able to make it. The quiet came to her, seeped in from the others around her. Or the knowledge that there were others. Her neighbors upstairs, breathing, sleeping. The old woman who walked her dogs in the middle of the night and who crossed to the other side of the road shooting Pansy a weary glance when they crossed path on the street. The quiet of people living their lives apart from her.

In the photographs a twelve year old Draco Malfoy made a spectacular dive on his broomstick making her clasp her arms around his back.

She had tried hadn't she? With Draco? She knew her parents had high hopes for the match and as much as Harry Potter might have destroyed the Dark Lord, the Old Ways, the Right Ways were still very much alive and with them her mother's lecturing voice and her father's reproach.

No, she had not managed to grab up Draco Malfoy. All she had managed to do was fall into helpless needy love with him. And that was no guarantee for a marriage proposal. Quite the opposite as her mother would say. But she couldn't help what she felt. She didn't want to help it either. She wondered what would happen to her love now that Draco had so blatantly chosen another. Would she continue to feel the flutter in her stomach every time he came near her at the few parties she still saw him at? Or would the love inside her rot like everything else?

Pansy could see the sun setting outside her window casting glorious red highlights, dark like blood. It would be a cold day tomorrow.

She stretched her legs and watched the hole in her tights run all the way up her knee. Pansy wriggled her free toe - the chilly apartment air was already doing a number freezing it off- and thought of dinner. There were probably some left overs in the freezer. She would eat them in bed staring at the tv. She stood and turned her back to the dirty dishes on her dining room table.

No, Pansy Parkinson was no one's heroine princess.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

'Can you believe I made it as well Harry?' Ron' s ears were red with pleasure as he cradled the short formal admittance notice in his hands. It was unbearably warm in the stuffy living room of the Burrow. Harry was sitting on his knees in front of the fireplace and trying to breathe evenly. Ron's head moved around in the flames.

'How is Australia?'

Ron smiled ' Hot and stuffy. Hermione is doing brilliant though.' he added with pride ' We are going to return in time for Auror training to start. What'd you think Harry? We going to have some fun aren't we?'

'Yeah mate we will' Harry said ' Are you sure you will be able to get back in time?'

Ron nodded, his smile fading a little ' It's good we came here. Her parents-' he turned his eyes away ' She'll tell you herself I guess when we get back. It's good we came.'

'And you are coming back soon? You are certain?' Harry said wishing he did not feel like a dead weight was pressing down on him.

Applying for the Auror training had been one of the scariest things he had ever done. He had wanted to be an Auror ever since fourth year at Hogwarts and he had worked hard to get there. But the thought of going to another school without Hermione and Ron seemed unreal to him. They had left suddenly and in a hurry, amidst the post-war chaos. Harry had spoken to both of them regularly, sitting on the floor in front of the fireplace at the Burrow and missing them more than he ever thought possible.

Now they would return and Ron was going to come to Auror training with him. They both needed to start studying earlier than the other new recruits, neither of them had had a chance to finish their Hogwarts education. But the Admissions Commission had shown itself lenient. Harry didn't exactly care. Having Ron and Hermione back was more important.

Ron nodded. 'It is time. Hermione wants to go back soon too, I think.'

'I knew you would pass Ron' Harry said again, it was only a quarter of a lie and worth it when he saw Ron's happy smile. He only wished Hermione would join them too.

He would talk to her soon. She would know what to do about everything.

He said goodbye to Ron switching places in front of the fire place with a tight faced Molly and stepped out into the corridor.

'Hey Harry.'

Shame and the desire to roll his eyes mixed inside him.

'Hey Gin.'

She looked beautiful. Her long red hair was tied away into a ponytail revealing the freckles in her neck. She wore an old yellow pullover and a pair of jeans that had seen better days but that on her looked like they had just come off of some model and he remembered seeing this outfit or one exactly like it, on her as they sat by the water on a sunny day with Hogwarts looming close behind like a great mother bird.

'You could stay for dinner'' she said.

He looked at his shoes. 'I…can't' he said, relieve flooding him as soon as the words were out 'Say hey to your dad for me.'

'I know you need this time alone Harry I understand.' Ginny said her eyes still trailing him.

He thought the calm acceptance with which she took him wrecking their relationship would kill him eventually. She had yelled, she had fought. The only thing she had refused to do was let go.

'You don't have to understand Ginny. You don't have to wait.'

Her face didn't change. Not when he turned away from her or opened the gate or closed it behind him. When she looked at him Harry felt every minute, every second of his existence with finality. He apparated away watching her watch him with unblinking eyes.

Pansy returned to the graveyard two weeks later. She had wanted to stay longer the first time. Seeing Potter there had thrown her badly. Seeing the grave had thrown her worse. But she hadn't lied when she called it their common room. The graveyard, that grave was the only place she could be certain that she would not run into anyone who would look at her in that dismissive way most people looked at her on the streets.

The snow had hardened into a treacherous slip and slide and she walked carefully over it cursing her high heels. Whatever possessed her to wear those? Who in the world had she wanted to get all dressed up for? The graveyard was empty, it was the middle of the afternoon and the sun had shown up bright and cold in the sky. And here she was in bright pink high heels and a frilly skirt. Going to a grave. It was stupidity beyond anything she had done before. Going back here, hoping still that something wonderful, magical would just happen. That maybe not everything was meant to rot.

Pansy swirled around a grave and came to a halt when she saw something on the ground. She raised an eyebrow and bent to pick up a Slytherin scarf. The material felt clammy in her hand, there was a leave attached to the silver part of it. Pansy brushed it off. It must have fallen off the angel she thought absurdly glad to have something to do now.

She was going to return the scarf to its proper place. Smiling Pansy increased her pace in search of the black gravestone. She stopped abruptly when the grave came into full view and cursed aloud.

Unbelievable.

The place was littered with Slytherin scarves. Every single one had been blasted off the statue of the angel and was laying on the ground discarded and dirty. She picked up the scarf nearest to her and huffed. The gravestone stood just like it had two weeks ago, the angel behind it oddly naked without it's attire of scarfs was still weeping. The only new thing was the graffiti. One word in a cold white line, sharp and stark clear was screaming at her:

TRAITOR!

In front of the grave was Harry Potter.

He was on his knees scrubbing his fist viciously along the 'T'. Pansy frowned moving a bit closer. Potter's face was set in a mask of rage his features hard, his mouth a tight line.

Pansy couldn't take her eyes off him. It was like watching wildfire or blood something so boldly real that it demanded attention. She cocked her head to the side. It was obvious that Potter had been trying to remove the word for quite some time, his hands were red and there was dirty snow under his fingernails.

'Just use a wand.' she said frowning.

He startled visibly.

Pansy rolled her eyes 'It is obviously magical you idiot, there a simple spell-' she started.'

'I DON'T WANT TO USE MAGIC!"

He rounded on her so fast she jumped back instinctively. His face was livid, furious, alive. His hands were clenched into fists and his eyes burned. Pansy had never seen eyes like that. Not in a human face. She stepped back from the grave feeling herself getting angry as well.

She didn't want to be part of this. She wasn't even sure that word was undeserved when it came to Severus Snape. He did desert them in the end had he not? Betrayed the Dark Lord? Left the school and her in it to the mercy of Minerva McGonagall? Wasn't that word simply the truth? And whatever Potter's problem was it wasn't hers.

She let the wind hit her face and glanced over at him. He had turned back to the stone and stared at it without moving, perhaps thinking of a more clever way to remove the graffiti. The nail on his thumb had broken off. He set his jaw and then without warning hit the gravestone with his fist she could hear the sharp sound of his knuckles hitting the stone.

'Are you crazy?'

She rushed forward and grabbed his hand afraid that he had broken it, more afraid that he would do it again or do something else equally stupid. Harry looked at her his mouth twitched, she could see his adam's apple clearly. A sound escaped him, a halve broken word that had started somewhere inside cracked in his throat and reached the service as a broken fragile thing. It felt to her like a punch. Without a word Pansy stood up turned from him to hide the sudden tears and picked up another scarf.

A white mist descended onto Harry's mind. For the past fifteen minutes he and Pansy had been walking around parts of the graveyard collecting scarfs and placing them back on the angel statue. They worked in silence. Harry's hands were going numb, his knuckles and his back both hurt. He wanted to hit something. He wanted to hurt. The guilt inside him was going to overflow any minute, he could feel it and when it did he feared he would lose his mind. He could not form a coherent thought, everything inside him seemed jumbled and rough.

He knew only that he was going to finish the job, help Pansy hang the scarves back. It seemed useful work for now. Then he was going to clean the gravestone.

It was exactly like burying Dobby. In a way the past few month had felt like he never left that grave. It had felt like he was still standing in the dirt with a shovel in hand digging, with the sound of the waves coming and going in their endless song. He had never felt like he could let go, not for a second since he woke up on the cold forest floor and realized that he was still alive. It had been like walking a tight rope after that a rope that seemed to stretch itself between Harry Potter the Boy who Lived and whatever it was that had woken up in the leaves on the ground after he had spoken to Dumbledore. And now it seemed that rope was going to break after all the hard work he had done to keep it intact.

He hung the last of his scarves around the angel guiding it carefully with his wand and crouched in front of the grave again. It was so cold. He felt like he was eating himself alive inside slowly disappearing one little cell at a time into a darkness that he feared. He looked at the gravestone. He was going to disappear. His hands were shaking.

'Move' Pansy said pulling out her wand.

He did as instructed standing clumsily. He didn't dare look at her keeping his eyes trailed to the gravestone instead.

The word disappeared letter by letter leaving nothing but black stone again. Harry watched it die out. He turned to Pansy his mouth open, panting hard. She stood there her expression unreadable watching him with her head cocked to the side as she had watched the angel two weeks ago. Magic seemed to almost visibly swirl around her.

'Come on then' she said and stretched out her hand. Harry took it.

Pansy walked up the steps to her apartment with Harry Potter's hand burning on her arm.

She didn't remember deciding. All she knew was a decision had been made on her part and on his and after that, she didn't care who kissed who first. She brushed his hands off setting her jaw, she needed to concentrate to get rid of the wards around her place quickly. Before he burned her alive. Her head was spinning, time seemed to have developed a new rhythm stopping and then running at will depending on his kisses.

This was insane.

She was insane, he was practically married and then there was Draco, hadn't she wanted Draco?

But his face, his face at the graveyard the detached almost demented look in his eyes and the lines around his mouth and the blood on his knuckles. He had looked the way she felt all the time, always and she knew what she wanted, knew the insane same need reflected back at her in his eyes. He was shaking all over.

Those eyes of his.

It took her two tries to fit the key into the lock of her door two more tries to drop the wards around her flat, Harry's breath on her neck was soft and warm. _Say something_ she thought _make this stop. No stop, don't say anything._

He didn't. She didn't either.

The key in her trembling fingers turned the right way. It was as if her mind suddenly decided to register every detail.

His sigh as he entered the flat behind her. The smell of her own perfume. The door closing behind them quietly. His hand brushed hers.

He looked around at the newspapers on the floor, the unwashed plates in her sink the clouded windows.

'You're a mess.'

He sounded surprised, delighted. He felt like a dream.

'Shut up.'

She placed his hand on her breast noticing the fabric of her blouse change with the feel of his fingers into an unwanted thing she needed to get rid of. His fingers squeezed lightly.

'Just shut up.'

She shrugged out of her blouse and they both watched it flutter to the floor in silence. Pansy stood there, her skin covered in goosebumps, gasping, her eyes closed. The anticipation of pleasure made her feel light and free. She licked her lips.

And Harry Potter fell to his knees before her.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Harry sat at the edge of the bed bleary eyed and out of breath. He didn't want to start analyzing the last hours, not right now and yet the persistent thought of Ginny would not leave. _What had he done? What had he done to Ginny? What had he done to himself? What had he done? What had they done?_

Something cold and metal touched his bare back.

'Here' Pansy held out his glasses to him. He took them trying not to look at her. She was laying on her back next to him, he could feel her warmth, the smell of strawberries filled his nostrils as she rolled over to face him.

'Put them on then' she ran a finger over the back of his neck. He wanted her all over again.

'You're blond' he heard himself say as he put his glasses on. Pansy shrugged.

'Thought a change would help. I got a friend who is good at haircoloring spells' she tugged at a lock 'Different.'

He nodded.

Pansy moved passed him off the bed, walked over to the table and picked up her wand.

Gods why did she have to walk like that? Every step teasing him, inviting him to- _think of Ginny, have you not hurt her enough?_

She pulled a lock of hair out of her face, turned a chair around and fished her knickers from somewhere on the floor.

The room looked exactly like Harry felt, as if a storm had raged through it upturning every familiar thing, rooting out everything common until nothing was in its place anymore. He dared a glance at Pansy. She was busy dressing, pulling up a pair of jeans.

'Pansy what is this?'

Instead of answering she went to the closet and pulled out a sweater. Harry watched her.

His insides felt hollow and yet he was warm, the quiet in the room sometimes punctuated by Pansy moving about seemed to have settled within him, pushing out the guilt and the hurt and the duty. _Ginny what have you done to Ginny?_

'Pansy.'

She turned to him her head to the side, eyes narrowed.

'Don't like it?' she asked and he wasn't sure if she was still talking about the hair or about something else and he wasn't sure he wanted to know.

'What did we do? What are we going to do?' he asked in a rush. He wanted help he wanted to talk to her, rationally to analyze to come to conclusions and makes sense of this peace inside him of how she had taken the rage and built it into something quiet, something he needed.

Pansy smirked suddenly and walked over to him her face close enough to kiss. He could feel her magic passing over his right arm and his shoulders.

'What are you doing?'

She rolled her eyes 'Stop with the questions Potter. What are you doing? What have we done?' she mocked 'I don't know about you but me, I am going to bask in power.'

Harry glanced at her 'What's that supposed to mean?' he asked feeling a shameful fear stir somewhere inside.

Pansy smiled and picked out another sweater tossing the first one on the bed next to him. 'What'd you think Which Weekly pays these days huh?' she asked casually 'I can see it now 'My night with Harry Potter.' I can use the cash as you might have noticed.'

Harry felt his insides turn to ice. The magnitude of what he had done crashed down on him. He had not only hurt Ginny, jeopardized everything they had but he had just put himself at the mercy of someone who didn't care about anything but herself. Who would love nothing more than to ruin him. Had she not tried to do so ever since his first year at Hogwarts? Always in the background always taunting, knowing exactly where and how to hit.

He stood anger filling him to the brim in an instant 'You won't hurt Ginny.' There. That was something to hold onto. Ginny was innocent and he would take the blame for what he had done to her but he would not let her be hurt. He knew how to do this. The idea that this was familiar grounded him.

'There are two people here who were doing the hurting Potter.' there was no bitterness in her voice, no anger nothing but cold facts.

He set his jaw crossing his arms in front of his chest and looked right at her. ' I am warning you if you hurt Ginny in any way if you go to Which Weekly…' He knew how he must have sounded but he was careful to make his voice hard to not allow a plea. This was a fight and he knew how to fight.

She turned to him so swiftly that she almost lost her footing and had to hold out a hand to grab the side of the bed to prevent herself from tumbling down. The hurt on her face was a living thing, turning her features into a mask. Her eyes that had been filled with light only a moment ago were now clouded and dull she overbalanced almost fell and finally sat on the bed next to him with. The mattress screeched.

'You think I meant that?' she said quietly her eyes still on him. 'You think I mean that?'

'Pansy' he didn't know what to think. Had she not just threatened him? Threatened Ginny? He wanted to ask why she had said it them but somehow couldn't find the words. A quiet voice in his head whispered for him to be careful tread lightly, be careful keep this from escalating. Keep her from escalating. He hated that voice.

She turned from him clutching her sweater to her. ' I think I'd like you to go now Potter.'

'Pansy I….come on can't you understand I got worried?' he said. He was no good at this. All the memories and emotions came roaring back inside him only now everything was confused and tumbled.

He wanted her.

'Pansy'

She didn't react.

'Pansy'

Her back trembled but other than that she didn't turn. He waited as long as his heart could take. Then he gathered his clothes wincing as he pulled on his sweater.

She didn't turn, not when he got dressed not when he commanded the bed to clean itself, never.

He tried opening his mouth again but there was nothing to say. He left.

Pansy bit her tongue so hard she could taste blood in her mouth. Behind her the door closed with a soft click. The room was still cold.

 _Pansy, Pansy. Come on now Pansy can't you understand….._

She forced breath into her lungs. What did she expect? She knew what she was getting into.

Somewhere in the middle of it the insane headrush had made place for something different, something slow and fulfilling and unexpected. She sat on the bed in her shoes and lay her head on her hands. She hadn't lied to Potter. Not exactly.

She told the truth, in some way. The idea of Which Weekly hadn't come to her not with the way she was feeling but it would have come in time she thought. And what a thrilling tale she had for that piece of trash magazine. Pansy Parkinson, Slytherin queen Death Eater's daughter had seduced the heroic Harry Potter. Sex, lies and magic. Pansy smirked. What a story indeed.

Then there was also the story of the truth.

The truth of how Harry Potter broke her.

She had been with exactly three men before tonight. Well two men and a boy. There had been that Beauxbatons boy in her fourth year kissing her with his eyes open. Then there had been Draco of course, the two of them playing and laughing and figuring things out as they went. And then last year before he left there was Blaise. They knew he was leaving from the start and that was liberating to a point that Pansy had not yet experienced. They were equals, they had trusted each other. She missed Blaise.

Pansy lay on her back and watched the ceiling change color as light from her window hit it at different angles.. So where did this leave her? A fun drunk, the love of her life, a trusted friend who left. And this….hurricane, firestorm. This complete madness. This every cliché. She closed her eyes and ran a hand down her body, hard wanting to reassure herself that this vessel still belonged to her. That Harry Potter's fingers and eyes and lips had not made her lose herself.

She had not lied to him she did feel powerful. Seeing him on his knees before her seeing the insane need in his eyes, his touch on her skin. Yes she felt powerful. She had commanded and the Boy Who Lived had obeyed. Had done as she demanded of him, even when her commands had turned to pleas. She knew he was taken, knew he would never see beyond her face, into her. Had she not thought about Ginnevra as well when she removed her nail marks from his arms and shoulders?

He had broken her. The fact that she used her magic on him for something as mundane as hiding her presence on his skin was prove enough. She closed her eyes and saw him on his knees on the bed leaning over her as her. His kisses were clumsy in their eagerness but she reveled in them all the same.

'I don't know what I'm doing' he had said in the middle of making her lose every sense of reality his fingers exploring her inch by rough inch.

She couldn't remember answering but she remembered her heart sinking slowly at that for some reason. She might have undone him. But Harry Potter had done worse he led his way into more than her body and had broken the carefully set wall there. She would need time to recover from this she thought. To feel like herself again, to know herself again. It was scary and she needed to lash out, needed him gone as soon as it was over. If he would have stayed she would have cuddled up to him, found the heartbeat pulsing in his neck. She would have matched her breathing to his and would have fallen asleep dreaming. She would have been lost.

Pansy turned on the bed frowning and fell asleep surrounded by his sent.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Harry sat at the overcrowded table at the Burrow and held Ginny's hand in his own. It was December and he was trying to come to terms with the fact that there was going to be a Christmas. It had taken one confusing rainy walk back home for him to realize that he needed to stop. People were counting on him. There was no time to feel miserable or empty. When he got back to the familiarity of Grimmauld Place Ginny was there with a letter in her hand. The letter, addressed to him, had been delivered to the Burrow by mistake. Ginny came over to give it to him. He put the letter aside and took her hand instead. It had been easy, natural. it had been the way it was supposed to be.

He was warm, his nose filled with the smells of Molly's excellent cooking. Next to him Ron and Arthur were discussing the Auror program.

'It is a pity you missed the early exam opportunities Hermione.' Molly said.

Hermione turned a polite smile towards the woman 'I will have to return to Hogwarts then.' she said 'Whenever it might reopen.'

'It's outrageous' Ginny said 'That you would need to get your N.E.W.T.S. and these two get a free ride' she poked Harry in the ribs.

Ron gave her an annoyed look' We saved the world.'

'And Hermione saved the two of you and the world.' Ginny retorted.

'There is more to life than saving the world Gin' Harry said absently. He was trying not to see the empty spaces at the table. The place where Remus used to sit with Tonks, the empty space left by Sirius that was more inside of him than part of this house but that was real to him none the less, the absence of Fred that was written all over George's face even now as he passionately backed up Ginny's claims. Saving the world. Harry wished that the conversation would turn away from the subject. He didn't feel like he saved much. He stood abruptly, Ginny's hand still in his. She looked up at him her eyes a mix of question and concern.

'I am just…going to check on Teddy.' he said.

'I just checked dear.' Molly said but Harry was already walking. Teddy had a bedroom in Grimmauld Place but he preferred the one he had at the Burrow, ghost included. Harry climbed the stairs to the room that had been Ron's before he moved out.

Teddy was asleep on his back, his small fists clutching part of the blanket, his purple hair a hideous contrast with the orange flowers that were sewn on it. Harry smiled, when he had put the boy to sleep his hair had been a bright green. He pulled up a chair and sat watching Teddy's chest rise and fall.

 _Come on then._

He shook off the memory. The sour feeling in his chest that appeared sometime after he had left Pansy's flat had never left completely. It stirred inside him every time he scanned the Prophet more thoroughly than was particularly necessary, whenever he looked at Molly's copies of Witch Weekly.

There was nothing of course. He remembered the way Pansy had looked, the hurt on her face. Of course there was nothing. He hated the part of him that still checked the Prophet and yet could not stop himself. The thought of hurting Ginny that badly was beyond his coping skills of the week.

He remembered loving Ginny. Remembered goosebumps on his skin from her mere touch. Ginny was exciting and fun and his. Ginny had forgiven him and taken him back. Ginny had waited for him. Ginny had been the reason - part of the reason- he had succeeded in defeating Voldemort. So many people died to make that happen but Ginny had survived, had suffered and had waited.

He remembered telling her that he was going to leave her to hunt for the horcruxes. She had never been more beautiful to him than in that moment when she had let him go. She understood duty, she understood pain. She understood him. She deserved the life that she waited for. And Harry promised himself that he would give her that life.

He rubbed his eyes with one hand and placed the other on Teddy's crib watching the child. He tried not to think of hurting Pansy. He didn't want it to be true. If he had hurt Pansy he would need to apologize. See her again. He wished that idea did not excite him. He wished he understood what had happened between them. His father would never have done such a thing. Neither would his friends. They were noble men, all of them, men of honor. Men who knew love. Who knew how to love.

 _Lily? After all this time?_

 _Always._

Harry sighed. Now he had a whole new set of memories to try and not think about. At least these ones were his own. He wished sometimes he had never seen Snape's. Back then they had seemed a useful tool. The part of his brain that had still been working recognized that he needed to know that he needed to die. He focused on that first. Tried to reconcile himself to death at seventeen. Death after all of it. He had taken that part of the memories and walked into the forest.

But then he lived and Snape didn't and the memories got stored in a chamber at Gringotts and inside his head. After he had had time to think the memories Snape left him became confusing. He went to Snaps grave to try and get answers from a stone. Why had neither of them been able to get over their own stubbornness? Why had Snape never just told him about his mother? Why had he, Harry never shown interest in Lily Evans before she became a Potter? He clenched his fists to his sides and felt his body start to shake again.

'Harry?'

He turned.

'Hermione'

She stood in the doorway watching him with that inquisitive stare that used to mean that his home work was wrong but now meant he was in more deep trouble than that. There was a sadness in her, a heaviness that was in all of them but in Hermione it was visible and it had only worsened after her return from Australia. She motioned for him to stand and he followed closing Teddy's door behind him.

'Are you alright?' They asked the question together. Hermione smiled. She was panting a little from the climb a couple of strains of her impossible hair had escaped her ponytail. She was looking at him like he was a porcelain doll about to break. He searched for a smile in return.

'I think you should answer that first' she said 'You were up there for half an hour. Is Teddy all right? Are you worried because Madam Tonks might not agree with you taking him here? is he still sick?'

Harry produced a grin 'Teddy is fine. He had some kind of coughing disease last week but Andromeda assured me it was nothing.'

Hermione made a face 'What kind of coughing disease?'

Harry shook his head 'I don't know Hermione. I told you, Andromeda said he was fine. And I asked her about taking him here she seemed alright with that. I must have forgotten the time, I am sorry. I just I like sitting with him.' He turned on the staircase and started walking downstairs.

'I know.' Hermione said behind him 'Ginny told me. Harry.' she tapped his shoulder making him turn on the stairs.

'Harry _are_ you alright?'

'I am fine' he said, annoyed now that she couldn't see that he was. She should focus on her own pain, on Ron not on him.

'Ginny said you have been spending a lot of time with- with Andromeda these past few months.'

Harry refrained from rolling his eyes 'Ginny said that? Teddy is there most of the time and I don't think Andromeda minds me or she would have said so by now' he frowned ' Did Ginny- Is she unhappy? I can cut up the time but-'

'That's not the point' Hermione said 'I...well I came to visit the other day I wanted to talk to you but you were away so she told me about Teddy. I think it's nice the two of you spending so much time together but I was just wondering' she bit her pip and stared right at him 'I was wondering if there was some reason that you are over at Andromeda's so often.'

'Teddy is there' Harry said 'He is my godson. I want to be a proper godfather.

Like Sirius was for me' he felt like he was biting off his tongue with every sentence.

Hermione nodded, she was back to biting her lip again.

'Is there anything you wanted to tell me?' he asked recognizing signs of distress 'You didn't answer the question yourself. Are you all right?'

He hid a smile when she started fidgeting with the hem of her skirt. A warmth crept inside his chest dismissing the jumble of confusing emotions. He suppressed the urge to hug the woman in front of him watching as she pulled something from her pocket and performed a piece of wandless transfiguration magic with the same amount of effort she usually placed in turning a page in one of her books. The unnamable thing in her hand turned into a ring. She looked at Harry with an almost guilty face.

'I told Ginny first.' she said 'You don't need to look quite so panicky. He asked me in Australia.'

Harry blinked 'Ron. Ron asked? Ron proposed?'

'No Harry I have been seeing another bloke on the side. Of course Ron. Who else would propose to me with a self-made ring he transfigured out of broom hair in our fifth year?'

She was smiling but Harry could still hear annoyance in her voice.

'Harry? Oh Harry I meant to tell you first.' she sounded guilty, clearly misinterpreting the look on his face ' But you weren't there and well I had already transfigured the ring and Ginny kind of guessed. I made her not tell you and I told Ron to keep his mouth shut and well you can't tell Molly she will want a wedding this minute. We want to wait for a while but Ron said he earned the right to at least ask.'

'You said yes?'

The excited look on her face vanished 'Yes of course I said yes.' she frowned 'I know we are young Harry but we do plan to wait and well after Australia -' the flood of words died out. 'Harry? Look I am sorry for not tel-'

He pulled her into a hug.

'Congratulations' he said. He wanted to add _an are you certain_ but she looked relieved and almost happy and he decided to keep smiling at her. 'I am happy for you guys.'

'There is not going to be a wedding soon but well… Ron wanted you to be best man so I well I asked Ginny.'

Harry nodded still careful to keep a smile on his face.

'Anything you need Hermione. I'd be honored.'

She sighed with relief 'Oh good. Because Ron is going to ask you to be best man tomorrow during Auror training.'

Harry felt his smile become genuine. Of course Hermione would coordinate Ron asking him to take an active part in their wedding. He hugged her to him.

'I'll act surprised. I promise.'

Hermione smiled. Harry never let go of her hand as they made their way downstairs. He needed to stop fucking up the lives of his friends. Hermione was going to be fine, she was getting married and he had been so busy with his own pathetic existence that he had almost missed out.

 _Come on then_

He needed to stop.

'Did you find it?'

Millicent Bulstrode emerged from Pansy's closet holding three different dress robes and proceeded to lay them out on Pansy's bed. She moved her feet away. Millicent shot her an annoyed look.

'This one fits your dress.' she said pointing to the outer left pair of robes 'But this one complements your eyes. Pans' she sighed and plopped down on the bed next to Pansy. 'You are not paying attention.'

'I am so' Pansy protested ' Narcissa Malfoy's Christmas party of course I am paying attention.'

Millicent placed a hand on one gloriously curved hip 'Fine. Go pick out something that befits me.'

Pansy giggled.

'Is it because Draco will be there?' she said to Pansy's back as Pansy busied herself with her dresses.

'Draco is there every year.'

'Is it because this year he has invited the painfully straight Greengrass family?'

'Painfully straight?' Pansy laughed.

'As is everyone else in attendance.' Millicent said stretching out on the bed 'I will be dateless. Again I might add.' she shifted eyeing Pansy's selection of dresses critically.

'Is it because Draco-'

'Please stop talking about Draco Millie' Pansy said. She turned, her hands filled with enough dresses and dress robes to hopefully distract even Millicent.

'But is it?' Millie pressed as she pulled a green dress towards her. Slytherins and green Pansy would never see the end of it. Pink was a better color on her. She shook her head

'Draco moved on. I need to accept that.'

Millicent rested her head on her hands 'How is that going?'

'Pretty well.' Pansy retorted 'I just feel like this Christmas party is a bit inappropriate.'

'She held one last year. Tried to anyway.' Millicent shrugged. 'We lost. We didn't die. We party.'

'You sound like Theo.'

'Now you insult me. I like that middle dress.' she said pointing to a creme colored fishtail dress that Pansy had wanted to wear herself 'Needs a bit of spellwork.'

'Adjust your heart out' Pansy said sitting on the bed next to her friend.

Milie gave her a sideway glance 'Are you ever going to tell me why you went and moved to this muggle trash heap? I mean I can hear them' she made a face one would expect to see if one was stupid enough to ask Millie to clean out a gutter.

'I like this flat' Pansy said. She knew all the hidden questions. Why move out of her parent's mansion? Why miss every gathering and social event? Why did she Pansy Parkinson Slytherin Queen disappear? But asking that meant talking about the past and Pansy knew that Millicent would not do that. It had become the basic gelling of their friendship. To not ask. To let the other have her secrets and just live and be allowed to pretend. Pansy didn't know what they were pretending exactly but she knew there were masks involved in her conversations with the former members of her House. Masks she didn't necessarily wanted to see taken off.

'Fine don't tell me.' Millie said interrupting her pointless thoughts 'You know who has been asking for-' the sentence died in her mouth. Pansy stiffened. She looked over at Milie. Her friend's relaxed pose was gone, Pansy could see her eyes widen.

'Who asked about me Milie?' she said trying to keep her tone light.

'I hate not being able to speak the way I want to. He took our words you know that? He went and took our words.'

'He took more than that' Pansy shrugged. They were dangerously close now to discussing things she felt that she could not discuss without some heavy drinking and some bloodied lips. 'Who asked about me Mil?'

Millicent swallowed whatever it was she had been about to say and produced a smirk 'Harry Potter'

 _Idiot_

'Where did you hear that?' Pansy asked. It was easy to keep her voice light.

'A woman in my shop told one of my assistants in astonishing detail. She works at the Ministry….or is married to someone in the Ministry I forgot. Anyway she said Potter was trying to find out where you work, where you live stuff like that.'

The unspoken question hung in the air. Pansy bit her tongue. It had taken a while to scrub his touch from her skin. She had yet to get rid of him in her dreams.

Millicent stared right at her. Pansy quickly looked to the floor. Snape had taught a few of them Legilimency until their fourth year. Millicent had been one of the few.

 _Fuck_

'Very hip dating a Gryffindor.' Milie said 'Very 'My first redemption story' she made quotation marks in the air.

'Mil.'

'Getting over Draco is going well then?'

 _Fuck Harry Potter._

Millicent wiggled her eyebrows. Pansy ignored her. She had no idea why Potter would be looking for her but the fact that he was going about it with all the stealth of a mountain troll was just aggravating. And frankly confusing. Had he not told her to keep their whatever their night had been a secret from Ginny? Had he not panicked at the mere thought someone would find out that he had touched her? Why was he looking for her?

'Oh darling you are asking the wrong questions.'

'Get out of my head.'

'In a minute.'

'Milicent!'

'Fine.' she said still grinning.

Pansy sighed 'What's the right question then?'

Millicent shrugged ' The right question would be do you want to be found?'


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Pansy pushed open the door to the cafe with her gloved hand and wished for summer for the first time that year. December had passed along with the Malfoy Christmas party and the day after that party that she had spent in her bed staring at the ceiling. The cafe was noisy and crowded but she had no trouble locating Gabrielle Zabini amongst the peach walls. Only Lady Zabini was capable of standing out in a way that made the rest of the world feel like it was their fault her velvet hat complete with peacock feather, was making them look at her. Pansy smiled. Lady Zabini was about the only person she was glad to see at all times.

'There is a letter for you' she said immediately after Pansy sat across from her and ordered a cappuccino. The noise of the cafe died down as if someone had turned off the volume in the entire place. Pansy smirked at the familiar magic.

'What kind of letter?' she asked setting down her bag.

Lady Zabini smiled and produced a piece of parchment neatly rolled up, but with a broken seal. A broken Hogwarts seal. Pansy took it from her. The parchment felt like sandpaper. The tinge of recognition warmed her hand and made her want to cry. She put the letter on the table.

'Have you read it?'

'I did not need to. I know what it says.' Lady Zabini said, her dark eyes on Pansy 'It was delivered to your parents.'

'They have read it.' Pansy said 'So what does it say?'

Lady Zabini nodded. 'I suspect they did' she said 'The letter informs you Severus's will has been discovered and your name along with that of several others is mentioned in it.'

Pansy blinked 'Snape left a will? I am in that will?' She felt like fleeing, the noiseless café was suddenly too crowded, she was exposed, alone with this woman that had brought this thing into her organized, neat life. She swallowed the need to scream and lash out.

Lady Zabini looked at her evenly 'Why shouldn't you be in that will? There is little Severus cared more for than Slytherin house and the students in it. There is no next of kin to speak of it would seem only rational that he would leave whatever possessions he had to those he cared most for. Raising young minds for the Dark Lord was a noble task and he did it well.'

'He betrayed the Dark Lord' Pansy said. It sounded like a rehearsed phrase.

Lady Zabini shrugged 'Some say so yes. But I believe otherwise. Severus served his rightful master till the end.'

'But Harry said-' she started, then stopped. Harry had shouted a lot of things during that final confrontation with the Dark Lord. Most of those things ended up in the Prophet, distorted and taken out of context they made Harry sound by turns mad or divine.

'As to your parents' Lady Zabini continued, giving Pansy a look that made her understand that the subject of Harry Potter was off the table 'They implored me to deliver the letter to you on account of our longstanding friendship. They also implored me to give you a message. Stop.'

The waiter sat down their orders. Pansy felt rage bubbling up inside of her. She pressed down on the feeling.

'Stop what?' she asked.

'All of it I expect. The muggle flat, the visits to Severus' grave, not having a job, not searching for a job, an education, a suitable companion.' she took a sip of her green tea 'Harry Potter. You are expected to return to Hogwarts and see what there might be to gain from this will.'

'Well the muggle flat is your fault.' Pansy said. She felt no need to address the rest of that sentence. Return to Hogwarts? She'd rather eat a bowl of needles.

'Your father has pointed that out yes.' Lady Zabini said, she took a sip of her tea 'He wants you to know that the ordeal you went through at Hogwarts is not nearly severe enough to be throwing this kind of tantrum.'

Tantrum. Of course her father would see it that way. She suspected both her parents saw her recent antics as nothing more than a tantrum thrown by a spoilt little girl. They had no reason to see it as anything else. Pansy did not exactly take the time to explain it to them. She did not see the benefit in making them understand that for her, actions had become separate living things. Cruel entities she was not yet ready to touch. It was better to sit in her flat and stare at the ceiling than make choices. The last time she made a choice to open her big mouth and have a voice the whole school had turned against her wands raised, ready to attack. No, thank you very much. The world could do just fine without her and her opinions.

'Do you think I should stop?'

'I think you should at least hear what's in that will.'

Pansy looked at the parchment still rolled up on the table between them. She forced herself to place it in her bag and signaled the waiter.

'I also think a job might be a nice change.' Lady Zabini continued watching Pansy dig into her freshly ordered chocolate cake. Food was a choice she was still willing to make.

'Is Blaise in that will?' Pansy asked. She wanted him to be. It would mean he would return from his trip abroad.

'I did explain to you about muggle currency.' Lady Zabini said, ignoring her question. There would be no more talk of the will or anything pertaining to it that much was clear. That meant Blaise probably wasn't mentioned. 'Right now you can afford your flat and this chocolate calorie bomb but what happens when the value of muggle money becomes different? What happens when you run out of gold? Your trust at the bank is not without its limits and I doubt your parents will help you to continue on in this way. You should think about a job.'

'I should think about a job.' Pasny repeated. The idea was fantastical to her. She tried to picture a day in which she would have responsibilities, in which she would have to wake up on time and move her body force it to stand up straight, force it into a decent length skirt and go someplace to sit amongst other people perhaps typing on a typewriter or learning about healing spells. It seemed a waste of her time. It seemed like the kind of thing in which giving her opinion would be required. She focused on her breathing willing the tightness out of her chest.

Lady Zabini looked at her, her warm eyes slightly narrowed. 'Blaise's invitation is also still an option.'

'I don't want to move to Florence.' That seemed even more ridiculous than getting a job.

There was a pause in which both women sipped their drinks. Pansy felt herself getting angry. Her parents had read the letter, had known about this will and clearly found this news important enough for them to call on probably the only person besides Blaise himself, who was going to be able to get her out of her apartment. The mere idea of seeing this woman had made Pansy clean up her sink all morning. She did not want to clean up her sink.

'Your parents have expressed concern that your current situation might reflect poorly on them.' Lady Zabini said watching her.

'Of course they have.' If there ever was a true snake in Slytherin this woman was it. First she tells this news and then Pansy is expected to sit through another pleasant hour of being forced to listen to how badly her parents are hurting under her behavior. So her parents were worried about themselves. Nothing new there. Getting into high circles and staying there was her mother's only ambition in life after all. Having a n unmarried, unemployed ambitionless daughter didn't do any good for her reputation. Pansy exhaled feeling her insides boiling.

'Look over the letter Pansy. I might not agree much with your parents but this might be a good opportunity.'

Lady Zabini signaled the waiter for more tea and started telling Pansy all about her son's escapades in Europe.

Later Pansy lay on her bed regretting the chocolate cake that made her want to have even more chocolate and eyed her bag with suspicion. Hogwarts had not reopened its doors despite the assurances of the Headmistress. There was simply too much damage done to the castle to be able to fix it all in time for the new school year. She knew that some of the teachers and older students had returned to help, others had elected to partake in the special Ministry approved examination and be done. Pansy had elected that option. She sighed and accio'd the letter to her. The parchment stull felt like an accusation.

The announcement for the first year's Auror examination appeared on the headboard in the training room on Sunday evening. By Monday morning as Harry entered the Ministry's great hall it was all anyone talked about.

Harry shrugged off several people intent on wishing him luck, asking how he was doing or trying to figure out the exact location of the exam so they could come and watch.

He thought for a moment that after the war, after everything people would gradually lose interest in him. The opposite happened. He became the poster boy for the post war generation. Harry sighed there was nothing he could do to change people, he had learned that by now. They wanted the Boy Who Lived and now they wanted the man who killed Voldemort and after that they would want something else again and he would oblige because he had to. He made his way through the quiet hall on the second floor passed the offices filled with wanted posters and coffee cups and entered the indoor training area that the new recruits had started using last week as the weather became too cold to practice in.

As he entered he saw Ron's familiar lanky figure, he seemed to be deep in thought as he stared at the lockers in which recruits kept personal items. A set of robes, their books on defensive magic, a second wand. Harry located the locker bearing the name 'H. J. Potter' and felt the familiar surge of pleasure. It still at times felt unbelievable to him that he was here in this warm and bright training area with Ron and not in a tent in the middle of nowhere hunting pieces of a dead man's soul.

'Hey'

Ron looked nauseous as he turned to Harry with a pained look on his face.

'I must have been mad.'

'Why's that?' Harry said opening his locker and reaching for his second wand. All the new recruits were nervous about the upcoming examination that would consist of a demonstration of the use of two wands. They were expected to perform different charms simultaneously. Harry was looking forward to it.

'I can't be an Auror.' Ron said looking crestfallen.

'Well if you fail you and Hermione will have more time to spend together.' Harry said 'More time for your mother as well.'

Ron shot him a dirty look and Harry grinned.

'Just because you are my best man now does not mean you suddenly get to have opinions on my mother.'

'I think you have enough opinions on your mother for the both of us. Is she still trying to make you and Hermione move back to the Burrow?'

Ron shook his head 'She is very….hands on. Thought she would focus more on you and Gin but you seem to have everything in order.'

Harry looked away.

'It's good that she is focused on something again though.'

Ron sighed 'Yeah, it's good. It's getting better anyway.'

They spent the next three hours tossing hexes and defensive spells at each other. The serious practice session quickly devolved into fun as Ron hit him with a Jelly-jinx that lasted a good five minutes. The world around Harry became magic. His thoughts only on the next hex. The air came to life with every well placed counter-jinx. He knew only magic and the certainty that he could wield it, focus it to his will. He felt free.

'Mister Potter.'

Harry stopped in the middle of a shielding charm and had to dive out of the way to not get hit by a Toe Biter jinx. He glared at Ron who grinned.

'I am sorry to disturb Mister Potter.' the secretary, a petite slightly chubby girl named Astra did not look at all sorry. 'There is a woman here to see you. Insisting on seeing you actually.'

Harry cursed inwardly. Had he forgotten about Ginny? He had been so careful the last few month, so intent on her happiness. It would be bad if he screwed up again.

Ron laughed behind him 'Prepare for the fury of my sister.'

'I am well prepared trust me.' Harry sighed. The tightness settled back in his chest. He thought he had done everything right. His mind raced through the last couple of weeks trying to find the moment he might have upset Ginny, or anyone for that matter, trying to figure out what might have happened for her to come to the Ministry unannounced.

He followed Astra out of the corridor into the spacious great hall on the second floor where visitors to the Auror section were now required to check in. Kingsley had put in place security measures. Harry did not know whether that was a reaction to the war or to the fact that he was now an Auror in training. Astra moved aside revealing a skinny young woman. She was not sitting down at the designated visitor waiting area that the Ministry had installed. Instead she was standing in the middle of the thankfully deserted hall a hand on her hip, looking furious. He had no idea how anyone could walk on heels this high, she towered over both himself and Astra glaring at a point above their heads.

'Pansy' Harry said.

'You lost anything on my face?' she snapped.

'Excuse me?'

Pansy glared at the young woman behind him. The anger was washing off her in waves. Harry felt something in his stomach drop then lift to sit stony and hard in his throat. The memory of her, the knowledge of her slashed across his skin.

'Do you need a piece of paper? A camera maybe ? Anything to capture this moment of glory?'

'Pansy.' he said 'Let's- Come on.'

She turned her furious eyes on him.

'She will need to sign in.' Astra said ' If you are going into the training area your friend will need to sign in.' The glee was gone from her eyes. She stared daggers at Pansy.

Harry moved to stand in front of Pansy and placed a hand on her arm. She shook it off.

'Let go of me Potter. I need to sign in do I? Afraid I might let in a bunch of Death Eaters are you?' she rounded on Astra.

'You mean the way Malfoy did?' Astra shot back.

Pansy's face turned ashen.

'Pansy let's just go.' Harry said.

'I am not responsible for your stupid war trauma' Pansy spat. Astra blanched Harry saw her hands form fists, the knuckles white.

'Pansy let's go ok?' he said turning her away from Astra 'I'll take the rest of the day off could you warn Ron he thinks I might come back' he said to the secretary hoping his voice sounded casual. He pushed Pansy gently towards the exit.

She turned, striding from the hall so fast Harry had to run to catch up with her. Behind him he could hear Astra shouting something having to do with Death Eaters and traitors.

He caught Pansy in front of the elevators.

'Pansy wait.'

'I want out of this building Potter. Now. That bitch just spent five minutes looking me over like I am an escaped convict, like I'm personally responsible for whatever shit happened to her during the war. No. I want to not be here' she sighed 'This was a mistake.'

'No. Pansy I...am glad you came. I am sorry I am and we need to talk' he could hit himself 'we need to talk' could he have come up with anything that would get her put of this place even faster? His heart jumped up seeing her and he allowed the attraction to show on his face hoping that she would see that she would understand how happy he was to see her. Even if she was mad at him.

'Because you say so' she grumbled 'Of course and I should just do what you say why wouldn't I?' she rolled her eyes. The elevator doors opened with a screeching sound and Harry had to place a hand on her shoulder to stop her from entering.

'That one only goes straight ahead. To the courtrooms.' he could feel her tremble. 'I know you are angry I get it but just...let's not go to the courtrooms all right?'

She nodded and sighed seeming to deflate a little.

'Did you just take the rest of the day off? Because of me?'

'I am glad to see you and training can wait' Harry said opting for honesty 'The post office is two floors up. There's also a cafeteria. We can talk there if you still want to.'

Pansy frowned eyeing the elevator with some suspicion.

'Fine. We handle this like adults. Great.'

She followed him across the hall to the right elevators and stepped in behind him. The pleasant female voice announced that they were going up. An older wizards stepped in behind them and pressed the ninth button. The elevator was stuffy and the old wizard smelled like garlic. Harry saw Pansy tense when she saw him but the man was so engrossed in the Daily Prophet he hardly noticed either of them.

'Level four' the female voice announced and Harry stepped out into the much lighter and much more crowded hall of the Department of the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. He took Pansy's hand and maneuvered them to the small cafeteria.

'I know you're angry.' Harry said after she refused to sit down and order anything from the lunch lady. 'I don't know how to apologize.'

Around them wizards and other creatures were talking, grabbing their lunch boxes or ordering from the lunch lady. Harry saw a couple of goblins glaring in their direction but no one else paid them any mind. Pansy looked around then stepped towards a corner and crossed her arms glaring at him.

'Try forming the words 'I'm sorry' and then saying them out loud with a straight face' she said.

'I am sorry.' he said ''I should never have said those things to you. I should never have assumed… those things about Which Weekly. I used-'

'Oh for fuck's sake. Are you still on about that?' she asked re crossing her arms.

Harry frowned 'I thought that's...you are not mad because of that?'

'No I am not mad because of that!' she hissed. 'People are staring. I hate this place. I want out of this place.'

'People always stare when I am in a room.' Harry grumbled. 'We can leave if you want.'

She shook her head. 'I'll leave when I am done. You need to stop.'

'Stop what?'

'Constantly dropping my name in the Ministry. Honestly, you want to know why I am mad? I am mad because my parents are now aware that you are looking for me along with all the rest of the wizarding world. '

'I was trying to find you to apologize. The way I acted-' he started

'I don't need your apologies. I need you to stop messing up my life.'

'I am sorry.' Harry said 'I just...I couldn't find you. Anywhere.' He frowned. He thought he had been discreet asking around.

'I told you I don't need your apologies' Pansy snapped. 'I don't need anything from you.'

'I shouldn't have acted that way, yelling at you...assuming.'

'You got scared' she smirked 'You said some stupid shit when you got scared. Your audience forgives you.' There was no malice in her eyes.

Harry nodded. 'I'll stop messing up your life then.'

'Good.' She shook some hair out of her face. Harry noticed that it was a lot longer now, he wanted to place his hands in all this new hair run his fingers over the back of her neck and watch her relax. He smiled at her.

She glanced around the cafeteria. People were openly staring at the two of them. Harry looked at her. 'You still want to get out of here?' he asked.

'Yes.'

'Can I walk you to the elevator?'

She shrugged 'You can walk me to the nearest way out of here.'

Harry nodded. 'Come on.'

They moved through the crops of people going in and out of the cafeteria in silence. Harry noticed that Pansy still looked tensed. She walked cautiously around people careful not only to not bump into anyone but to not make any physical contact at all. Her face was grim. He lead her through the hall and towards a different set of elevators pressing the button. Pansy turned towards the door, her eyes steadily on it. He could feel how much she wanted to leave the building.

'Why couldn't I find you anywhere?' Harry asked.

She didn't respond.

'Pansy? Why couldn't I find you?'

'I went back' she said suddenly as the elevator doors closed behind them.

'Back?'

'To the grave' she said. Her voice was quiet now and Harry stepped closer 'There's a...there was a protego charm. A strong one.' She looke dup at him 'Did you place that?'

Harry shook his head 'I didn't.' he cleared his throat 'I've not been back since- since that last time I saw you.'

She shrugged 'Someone else must have placed it then.' She stepped back from him and out of the elevator. He followed her trying to keep up with her quick pace.

'I didn't realize you were trying to disappear.'

She stopped.

'It is none of your business what I tried or did not try to do.' she sighed. ' You could have gone to the apartment. If you wanted to see me'.

'That seemed like the wrong thing to do' he said.

' Why? It's better than drawing all this attention.'

'I'll stop.'

'I know. I get it we moved on from that. If you want to see me just come over, you'll still be able to find my place won't you?'

Harry nodded.

'So just do that.'

He stared at her 'Do you maybe want to come see the first Auror exam?'

'Auror exam?' she frowned.

'You haven't heard of it?'

'Haven't been out much. I thought those were usually in January.'

'It is January.'

'Oh'

'Two more weeks and we will know if Harry Potter is cut out for the life of Auror' Harry said.

Pansy grimaced. 'You killed the Dark Lord.'

'Doesn't count. Tom Riddle was not part of the Auror curriculum.'

'Very funny.'

'I am not trying to be funny. I am serious. Want to come watch me try to not make a fool out of myself?'

Pansy raised her eyebrows 'Come back to the Ministry? No thank you. You won't make a fool out of yourself.'

'I might.'

They had reached the main hall and walked passed the newly set up statue. Pansy glanced at it.

'I think I'll manage from here Potter.'

Harry nodded.

'Can I still come over sometime?' he asked.

She shrugged then nodded, there was some color in her cheek and the wind swept her hair up as soon as she stepped outside. Harry watched her walk away still with those same careful steps and frowned. The way she walked bothered him. He turned back towards the elevators his mind still on all the things she had refused to say.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

 **A/N: Thank you for those who follow this story and especially those who choose to review, it means the world to me. A special thank you to quickhidetherum for betaing this chapter. This was a very difficult chapter to write but I did my utmost best on it.**

 **Important note: Several of my friends have encouraged me to follow the muse and set this story in the same 'universe' as The evening light (my sevmione fic). This means a slight overlap will happen between these stories. I think this overlap will affect The evening light more than it will And now the last but in general if the Snep bothers you be warned.**

'He is asleep.'

Ginny fixed her ponytail and sat on the couch next to Harry. He smiled and pulled her to him. The pots and pans that they had used to make their dinner were clicking away in the kitchen sink, washing themselves. It had taken one glance from Ginny to start them on it. Teddy had loved it. His soft baby hands clapped together repeatedly as he watched the spectacle of magic unfold around him. It had proven impossible to get him to sleep after that.

'Finally' Ginny mumbled and kissed Harry's ear 'There is more mail for you, you haven't even opened the last batch I brought. I am starting to feel like an owl.' Harry smiled at her teasing tone and forced himself to focus.

He had done well on his first exam, Defense still came natural to him and Ginny and Teddy had cheered from the stands as he dueled his opponent.

Pansy had not shown up. He had scanned the stands hoping to see her, imagining how she would sneer and roll her eyes at his success but there had only been Ginny. It stung at first but then he remembered the way she had wanted to get out of the Ministry, the way she had walked away from him that day with those careful steps and his disappointment at not seeing her had turned to worry. He turned to look at Ginny, almost wanting to bring up the issue with her but then bit his tongue. It was odd having this thing that he could not discuss with Ginny but he did not want to hurt her. He didn't want to hurt anyone.

He could not shake the feeling that somewhere, somehow Ginny knew, had to know something was wrong with them. He looked at his watch, the gift Molly had presented him with on his seventeenth birthday and swallowed shame taking Ginny's hand into his.

He didn't want to be here. He knew he didn't, but he didn't know how to say that without ruining everything. Words were treacherous things that he did not know how to use. He and Ginny were meant to be, they were right. They were supposed to be right. He was working so hard to make them right. It shouldn't matter that this was not what he wanted anymore, he should be ashamed of himself for not wanting her.

'Letters?' he said swallowing the unsaid words and banishing the image of the other woman.

'Yes, the usual I think. Will you answer them?'

Harry nodded ' Of course.' The usual meant people, people he didn't know telling him about the war, about their lives and the deaths they mourned. He tried answering all of them as best he could.

'There are also some invitations.' Ginny continued, standing 'I thought we might go over them together.'

'What kind of invitations?' Harry said feeling irritation rise up in him at her complacent, motherly tone.

Ginny smiled putting a strand of hair behind her ear 'I haven't looked at everything yet but I think I saw a Hogwarts seal on one.'

'Hogwarts?' he asked. He felt curiously empty hearing the word as if Hogwarts existed in another lifetime, as if Hogwarts had happened to another boy, a boy who had nothing to do with the man Harry now was.

Ginny nodded 'I think Minerva is hoping to re-open the school soon I'm assuming it's about that. You want to see?'

Harry stood and walked over to the pile of mail on the table. Ginny handed him a letter, not the one from Hogwarts but a random one and sat down at the table glancing at him carefully.

'You can start with that one, we'll work our way to the Hogwarts letter I think.'

Harry looked at her, this woman that he remembered loving. She was beautiful sitting there in the dim light of the room that once belonged to his godfather and trying. Offering to cook dinner for him, taking the hardest letters from his hand, loving his godson. He didn't know when it had happened, when they, the two of them, became a project that needed maintaining and careful handling. She opened a letter and snorted.

'Look at that. The Ministry is holding some sort of career event, the Job Market, help the youth choose a career' she frowned 'Might be worth to go to, in my case. Have you heard about it?'

'The Market?' Harry asked. He placed the letter he had been reading aside and looked at Ginny 'Yeah I did, it's a bit out there for the Ministry and the name is stupid. Why would you go?'

'Well, I was thinking it might be nice to know what my options are.' Ginny said fumbling the letter in her hand 'It says here that it's this weekend.'

Harry frowned 'I thought you knew what to do already? You want to play Quidditch right?'

Ginny's eyes found his.

'You think I should?' she asked.

Harry shrugged ' Of course if it's what you want' he said earnestly. Ginny had always been a good Quidditch player, it was one of the things he liked about her and he wanted Ginny to be happy. He wanted everyone to be happy.

'I don't know Harry' Ginny said making two piles out of the unread letters. 'Quidditch is a lot of work. Especially doing it professionally. It would mean trainings most days including the weekends and then if I get good enough a lot of travel abroad playing with the team for the most part of the year.'

Harry smiled at her. 'But that sounds really good Gin, being away from here, traveling. I'd do it.'

'You really think that is the best thing for me to do?' Ginny pressed.

'I think you should do what makes you happy' Harry said.

Ginny dropped her eyes 'I am doing what makes me happy Harry. I'm trying to make us work. Being with you makes me happy. We have an actual chance now that you've stopped saving the world.'

She took his hand in his.

'We survived, Harry. I…last year all I thought about was working the hardest to survive. Now that I have I think I want to put my energies into something I want to be doing and I don't think-' she faltered and picked up a letter from her pile releasing him again and he was struck by the difference one minute his hand had been holding hers the next he was free. He bit down on the unwelcome feeling.

'You don't think what?'

Ginny looked up at him 'I don't think putting all my energy in a career will be good for us now.'

'But that's what I'm doing.' Harry said.

Ginny gave him a level stare 'Glad you are noticing' she sighed 'I don't want to fight. I was thinking maybe if you talk to someone. It doesn't have to be me just someone.'

'I thought you said you wanted to move on. That we should be happy we survived.' Harry said. He picked up a letter turning it between his fingers without opening it.

'I know I said that Harry but maybe I was wrong maybe we both should I don't know Hermione said muggles have counseling maybe-' she stopped 'Harry what's wrong?'

Bur Harry didn't hear. He had opened the letter and the letters, written in pen, were dancing before his eyes refusing to form words.

'Harry?' Ginny said again. He looked up from the letter.

'It's from Dudley' he said.

Ginny frowned 'Your cousin Dudley?'

'Yeah' he swallowed 'it's been laying around here for month, since last year. I didn't notice the muggle stamps. I.. this was delivered to you by mistake.'

'Why would Dudley write to you?' Ginny said turning away and picking up another letter ''Oh this one is angry with you' she said upon opening it and tossed the letter aside 'We'll deal with that later. What does he want?'

''He wants to meet. He says he's living in Antwerp.' Harry said.

'Antwerp?'

'Yes.'

He was pacing, unable to control himself, unable to sit down 'He says, he says he hasn't spoken to Aunt Petunia or Uncle Vernon in a while. The Order dumped them in a safehouse in Belgium. I never even knew!'

'Harry this is not your problem' Ginny said evenly 'You didn't know because you had other things on your mind.'

'Stop making excuses for me' he growled 'I never even asked what they were planning to do with them. I didn't care.' He felt caged and stupid and mostly out of sorts with himself. There had been not one minute in the past year that he had thought of Dudley. As far as Harry was concerned Dudley had just disappeared, vanished from Harry's life like Private Drive had done. But now Dudley became real again, a breathing living survivor of what the war had brought him. Ig didn't matter that Ginny was right, it didn't matter that he, Harry didn't know what to think about this letter, all that mattered was that Dudley was alive that he survived and wanted to see Harry.

'They never cared for you.' Ginny muttered picking up another letter.

'Dudley did, in the end he did. He wants to meet. Or wanted to in December anyway. He left a phone number. I don't even know. I don't even have a phone.' Harry said sitting down again but that was no good so he stood and continued pacing.

'Dad has an old muggle phone I think, if he hasn't broken it yet. You can use that.' Ginny said folding the letter back up 'This one just wants to tell you that you saved his sister.'

Harry shook his head in irritation 'Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia moved back by now. Dudley says they wanted to move at the start of this year. He is asking if his parents are safe, they never told them the war has ended. They never cared' he kicked at the chair then sat back down his fists balled 'They didn't care' he repeated.

'Harry' Ginny said.

'I should have done something, He tried to before we left Private Drive he tried in his own way to thank me Dudley did but I never-'

'Harry.'

'I didn't know what to do with it. I mean he hated me, they hated me and magic and all of it but they were in danger _I placed them in danger_ since the moment I was left on their doorstep. I-'

'Harry'

'What?' he all but shouted. Ginny carefully placed the letter she had been reading on the table between them and only then did Harry see the Hogwarts sigil.

'I'm sorry' Ginny said 'I thought you'd want to know. They found Snape's will.'

*  
Pansy lived on the second floor right above the landlord and his family whose door to Harry slightly smelled of firewood. Pansy's apartment smelled of Pansy. A mix of herbs he could not decipher and the heavy unmistakable smell of roses.

He smirked at the mess around him and followed her into the small kitchen.

'I'm sorry I called on you this early' he said.

'I wasn't sleeping' Pansy replied. She pointed her wand at the tea kettle and it began to sing 'Besides, I told you that you could come over.'

She poured the tea and levitated the cups back to the living room. She really was a mess Harry thought watching as old copies of Witch Weekly and the Prophet flew from the table to the floor to make room for the cups. He removed a pair of leggings from a chair and sat picking up a letter with a Hogwarts seal.

'You got one too?' he asked.

'Obviously' Pansy said sitting across from him and warming her hands on the cup. He placed the letter back down.

'Are you going?'

She shrugged 'I might as well, maybe he left me a ton of money and I won't have to sit here looking for work.'

'I didn't know you were looking' Harry said.

She looked down into her cup 'It's not going well.'

'If you want I could ask-'

Her head shot up 'I don't need favors from the Chosen One' she spat grimacing and Harry remembered how the girls in his year used to call her 'pugface'.

There was a pause as they both sipped their tea.

'All right what is it?' Pansy said after a moment 'Ah, I forgot to offer you cookies with the tea, you want any?'

Harry smiled 'I think I'm good.'

'I am not a gracious hostess, mom was right. So what is it that brought you here?'

She was looking straight at him with those dark eyes of hers. Eyes that made him want to squirm and disappear inside himself. She looked tired and disappointed, he could see it in the lines on her face, the way she ran a hand through her hair.

'It's not really that interesting' he said and sipped his tea. It was bitter and the added sugar was making the bitterness worse.

'You came here at seven in the morning because there is nothing interesting going on' Pansy smirked 'Or did you come for sex?' she cocked her head to the side and stared at him, a small smile playing around her lips 'I can usually read a bloke quite well, am I wrong? I didn't get a 'need you now' vibe.'

'I just wanted to talk' Harry said his eyes darting from her eyes to her lips. Her smile widened.

'So talk' she said taking another sip of her tea, her eyes still on him.

'It's just'.. he started and faltered 'I got a letter from my cousin.' the words came out quickly pushing through the lump in his chest and shattering it so that now all he felt were prickles of a starting pain, a feeling so familiar, so hated that he wanted to shout at Pansy for making him talk. 'I just read the letter. We grew up together, I mean I…my aunt and uncle took me in after, after my parents.'

'You were close?' Pansy asked.

Harry stared at the wall on which Pansy had displayed an array of moving pictures. Seven years of Slytherin house in all their glory. Draco Malfoy smiled at him from everywhere.

'Not especially, but I mean it wasn't all bad.'

'How not bad was it?' Pansy asked giving him a level look. He told her. A little.

'A cupboard' she said after he was done talking, she raised an eyebrow 'The muggles kept you in a _cupboard_.'

Harry welcomed the sudden flash of anger 'What does it matter that they are muggles?'

She shrugged looking from her cup to him and then back to her cup.

'So what is it that is bothering you?'

'I want to go see Dudley, that's his name, my cousin.' Harry said 'But…well I talked to Ginny and to Hermione and they both think it's a bad idea and now I don't know-'

Pansy snorted 'You want to see the bloke who put you in a cupboard.'

'It wasn't his doing, it was my aunt and uncle. He was a child like me.' Pansy sat looking at him and sipping her tea. Outside a dog barked and then another. Harry shivered. 'So what do you say?'

Her face closed, becoming almost mask like 'You want my opinion? You already asked Granger and your girlfriend didn't you?'

She looked at him again and Harry was struck with confusion, she was completely calm. Even mentioning Ginny had not changed her, she was just sitting there, her legs crossed and sipping he tea. But then he noticed that her hands were shaking just a little.

'I do want your opinion Pansy.'

She swallowed 'I-'

'You what?'

'The last time I voiced an opinion it didn't go well' she said putting the cup down and walking over to sit on the couch instead, her back stiff and turned to him.

'I still want it, if you have one.' Harry said.

She turned to him leaning on her arm 'All right, I'll try. I don't see a benefit in befriending this muggle. You already have a questionable friendship-'

Harry blinked 'I have a questionable friendship?'

'Granger' Pansy said rolling her eyes.

Harry narrowed his 'What is it about Hermione that you find questionable?'

Pansy looked at him calmly 'You know what she is.'

Harry jumped up, his mind immediately coming to a halt only the impulse to protect left inside him. He was glad for the need to move, to yell. Pansy frowned making her face look very much like a pug indeed.

'She is muggle-born, is that what is bothering you?' he said through gritted teeth. He could feel his body set up for battle, muscles tightening in his arms. His fingers had found his wand inside the pocket of his jeans.

 _Hey Potter, Potter a Dementor is coming Potter!_

The memory was sudden and piercing.

'There are a number of things that bother me about Hermione Granger, her blood being one of them. You already are friends with Granger I see no need to bring in any more muggles into your life especially ones who held you in cupboards.' Pansy said in an even voice. She tensed when he jumped up but now she was back leaning on her arm on the couch, watching him.

'You have got to be kidding me' Harry said through gritted teeth' Let me tell you something about Hermione, she is better than you or me or anyone else at magic she belongs in this world she is a witch and there is nothing that you or any of your stupid Death Eater friends can do about it!'

He let bile rise up inside him, the anger as well. Looking at the walls where one minute ago he could only see Pansy's friends he now saw only his enemies. The woman on the couch among them.

'I am not denying she is a witch' Pansy said 'I am merely saying she will never fit in and your friendship with her will always be frowned upon.'

'Because of people like you.'

Pansy sighed 'Because of what she is.'

'So what you want her dead is that it?' Harry shouted 'You want her dead and my cousin and all those muggles as well, that it? You want Voldemort to have won? Well I beat him. He didn't win. You lost.'

The expressionless mask she had been wearing slipped an Harry saw a flash of anger in her eyes. 'I am well aware that I am in the losers camp Potter, you don't need to remind me. As to Hermione Granger I wish her neither harm nor good. There is no love lost between me and her and yes I do hope she breaks a heel one day and falls flat on that smart ass face of hers. As far as her parentage is concerned however it is just a simple fact, Muggleborns will never fully fit. Not ever. And for the record I didn't want Vol-' she stopped and closed her eyes taking a deep breath 'I am not saying the Dark Lord should have won I am just saying there are a lot of them ok? I never realized how many there were but there are a lot. A lot of muggles and they have these things, they have guns and televisions and internet and I have no idea-'

She looked up at him trying to catch his eye but Harry looked away 'I'm scared. I am scared of how many there are and of what they could do. You don't get it you weren't raised-'

'A racist?' Harry offered.

'You weren't raised in a pure blood family.' Pansy said, the mask had slipped back and she sounded calm again ' I've never, besides muggleborns at Hogwarts, I never even saw any muggles. We weren't like Draco's family having connections with kings and queens.'

There was silence for a long while. Harry could not remember the last time he had seen things so clearly. He was looking at the daughter of a Death Eater. He had somehow forgotten that, or maybe he just didn't want to think about it. He had somehow managed to get involved with someone who wished only harm on those he loved.

'Tell me something, If you think muggles are scum and Hermione and other muggleborns deserve to die-'

'I did not say that' Pansy said 'Nor do I think it.'

'Then why were you at his grave?'

Pansy's eyes widened. Her calm composure slipping again. She pulled a hand through her hair and glanced at the wall.

'What does that have to do with anything?' her voice trembled.

Harry shrugged deliberately, watching her. He knew he would probably never see her, that the fragile thread that had spun between them was breaking with each breath they took. Somewhere in the depth of his mind he also knew that he wanted her, that he would probably want her for a long time. That part of him was telling him that things were never easy and life was never fair. He tried to ignore that part. She was a Death Eater's daughter, a Slytherin and he a Gryffindor. It was easier to think in those distinctions.

'It looked like you were there to pay your respects.' he said slowly feeling the calmness transit from her to him.

'So what if I was?' she said avoiding his eyes.

'You want me to believe that you came to pay respect to the man who dedicated his life to destroying Voldemort? The one whose idiotic ideology you have been sprouting at me all morning?'

Pansy flinched. 'I didn't say-'

'You clearly believe in his cause.'

' I told you I don't.'

'Or did you come to his grave to desecrate it like your Slytherin friends did? Write traitor on his gravestone and destroy his memory?' He looked at the floor where he had stepped on a pair of her socks and jumped back slightly not wanting to touch anything of hers in the moment. He was afraid that if he would look at her, see her sitting there with her lips pursed into a tight line the impulse to comfort her would jump out at him like frightened bird.

'I did not! You don't know why I was there!' It was her turn to jump up and she did and now they were both standing across from each other, fists balled wands at the ready. Harry looked at her, she had gone red in the face with anger, her eyes darting from him to the door searching for exits. The wand in her hand was shaking.

He blinked, he saw himself standing there facing her, an enemy, but he also saw himself at the grave and her hands dirty from mud and snow as she helped him clean up, he saw himself touching her. _We survived_ Ginny's voice said in his mind _, we survived to work on what we do want now.  
_  
'You don't understand' Pansy repeated.

Harry looked at her then lowered his wand 'Explain it to me then.'

Pansy's eyes widened 'You want me to explain?'

He nodded. 'Let me get this straight though this things you've been saying, it's poison. It's dangerous and I do not think you are right.'

Slowly she lowered her wand staring at him with narrowed eyes 'And yet you want an explanation. Witch part?'

'Whichever part you want. You said you don't believe Voldemort was right?'

She shook her head 'I don't think he was. That's part of why I went to Snape's grave I guess. I don't think the Dark Lord was right but I also can't understand what Snape was thinking' she sighed 'You really want to talk about this?'

'I do' Harry said 'I think we should. I'd rather we talk then-' he looked sideways at her wand and she raised her eyebrows.

'My father' she said sitting back on the couch and placing the wand next to her with a defiant look on her face 'My father always said we were better, that muggles were not even human and muggleborns stole our magic.'

Harry sat next to her 'My father was a bully' he said.

Pansy turned to him with surprise.

Harry shrugged 'I love him, but he was.'

'How do you know?'

He shrugged 'It doesn't matter. I try to take the good things from him like how he was brave how he protected my mother but I don't want to be like him in every way.'

There was a pause. Pansy stared at her hands and Harry looked out of the window at the risen sun. Part of him wanted to run away still, small doors and call himself right and her wrong and be done but another part was settling down on this couch preparing to listen and be patient.

'I'm afraid of them' she said softly.

'Your parents?' Harry asked.

'Muggles, but yes my parents as well and walking on the street and being seen and having opinions. I'm afraid, all the time.'

Harry placed a hand on her knee.

'Don't Harry I don't even know why I am talking about this with you, you wanted my opinion and now look where we are. I thought-' she glanced at him 'I kind of hoped maybe we could have been friends.'

'I still want your opinion' Harry said' and we are friends,. I'm still here aren't I? I think I want your opinion on Dudley.'

Her head snapped up and she stared at him 'What do you mean?'

"I'd like you to come with me to Antwerp' Harry said 'Meet my cousin. Do you think you'll be able to?'

Pansy turned to him fully her eyes were large and he could see her lips trembling 'You want me?' she asked.

Harry smiled and nodded.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

 **A/N: Sorry for the delay, I wrote three versions of this. Hope you like the one I decided to post. For those who follow along with The evening light as well, Hermione is in the beginning stages of what she is like when Snape stumbles upon her.**

 **Eternal gratitude to my amazing beta quickhidetherum who continues to keep me sane through this story.**

Harry walked back into the deserted living room of the Burrow and handed the mobile back to Hermione.

'Thanks for letting me use your phone.'

She looked up from her book.

'Did you manage to reach Dudley?'

'I did' Harry said 'It was' he paused searching for the right word 'awkward. But he does want to see me. I know you don't agree.' He had dreaded the call but was now proud of himself. Dudley sounded demure but excited at the same time. Harry could hear traffic in the background while they attempted a conversation. It was normal, or relatively normal and he was grateful for that.

Hermione put a lock of her unruly hair behind her ear and closed the book in front of her _Magical law: an introduction_ Harry read on the cover. She looked thinner and his eyes traveled over her familiar face noticing every change, every new worry-line. She looked older and worn out but still lovely, still so welcome to him.

'I'm not disagreeing exactly' she said biting her lip 'Or I am but, it's your decision. It's your family. I shouldn't have a say.'

Harry frowned at that 'You are my family, Hermione and yes you should have a say.'

'In that case I think it's a stupid idea' she said with venom. Her eyes sparkled with something dark and foreign to her. Harry sat across from her, startled by her outburst. Hermione stood, picked up the book then placed it on the table again and stared at the empty living room. The absence of the Weasley family made their house feel dead and strange. They had all gone to the career event to support George's shop but Harry and Hermione had stayed behind. He had heard her make excuses to Molly and knew by her tone that whatever she said was a lie. His eyes darted from her bushy hair to the mudblood-scar on her forearm. It still stood out, red and ugly looking etched onto her skin like a brand. He could still hear her screams of pain in his mind. He swallowed.

'You're staring' she said coldly crossing her arms and hiding the scar.

'I'm sorry' he said.

'Not your fault' she sighed 'Sorry I'm not in a good mood I guess. This book is rubbish and I don't think I want to go into law anymore' she huffed and started redoing her ponytail.

Harry shrugged 'So do something else. You know I can talk to anyone you want at the Ministry.'

'I don't need you to' Hermione said and sighed 'I'll figure it out. I have to figure it out.' She sounded determined but her eyes were still dull. She smiled at him 'So, Ginny coming with you to Antwerp?'

Harry shook his head 'No' he said carefully 'she thinks it's a bad idea. Just like you do.'

Hermione gave him one of her searching looks that made him feel like he was ill and dying of several diseases at once but didn't say anything. Harry followed her to the Weasley's battered old couch and sat watching as she took off her shoes placing them neatly next to the couch and folded her legs under her. They sat across from each other in silence for a while and Harry felt peace like he hadn't felt for a long time. Just looking at Hermione was making him feel like he was home. She wasn't family, she was more. The connection he shared with her and Ron was vital, like the air in his lungs. She cocked her head to the side and he knew she was about to ask a question by the way she creased her brow and decided to prevent her from speaking.

'I was wondering if you would, if you could come with me to Hogwarts?' he asked. He felt like whispering for some reason. He wanted to sit with her and hold her hand and talk softly and know that Ron was somewhere close by and he didn't want anything else.

'Hogwarts?' she asked 'Why would you want to go to Hogwarts?'

'They found Professor Snape's will. I am in it. I got a letter a couple of weeks ago.'

Hermione looked surprised but Harry could see a fleeting calculating look in her eyes.

'What?' he asked.

She shook her head 'Just…he left a will?'

'Yes' Harry said.

'Interesting.'

Harry smiled 'Care to explain?'

She shook her head, curls falling from her messy ponytail 'Not really. It's no problem I'll go with you. I'd like to hear that will' she stretched her hand out and Harry took it 'Am I ever going to hear what's going on in your life?'

'What's going on with yours?' he retorted 'I have yet to hear about Australia.'

Her face hardened 'It went all right. I am more interested in what's going on with you.'

'Hermione' he said.

She forced a smile 'You first' she said.

'Are your parents unhappy about the wedding?' he tried.

Hermione gave him a level stare 'My parents are happy Harry. Now are we going to talk about you or not? I stayed here today hoping you might want to talk.'

Harry dropped his eyes.

'I figured that out' he said softly.

He could feel her thumb caressing his hand, the familiar warmth of her. He didn't know how long they sat in silence, her hand in his, her eyes watching him, searching. He felt the words inside his chest bubbling up to the service but with Hermione there it didn't hurt to feel or think.

'There is nothing you can say to me that will make me stop loving you' she said, her eyes still on him. He looked up at her. Her face was calm and her eyes held only concern.

'What if I tell you that I cheated on Ginny?' he asked looking straight at her. Hermione's expression didn't change, her hand was still in his.

'What happened?' she asked. When Harry started talking he found it impossible to stop.

Turned out the Ministry took the name 'job market' seriously. Stalls were placed everywhere in the usually spacious grand hall so that Pansy had to swift and swirl to avoid bumping in or touching other people who were walking around inspecting the various goods. There were samples of wand wood on display, a crash course to growing and taking care of various magical creatures and Pansy even spotted old Mister Deisselbaum from the apothecary trying to interest people in his herbs and potions. Anything to get the current generation interested in a regular job. Only the current generation wasn't interested. Pansy could see it in the faces of her former classmates, warriors each and every one, it was hard to interest them in something mundane like a life in peace.

Pansy made her way to the stall where Millicent was promoting her beauty parlor. There was not much interest in it as far as Pansy could tell. She plopped into a chair next to Theo Nott and picked up a lipstick opening and closing it with curiosity. There were spells for this, why Millicent insisted on showing off this muggle crap was beyond her.

'Not really going well is it?' she said glancing at Theo.

Theo shrugged 'I'm sure that will change now that you're here' he said evenly. Pansy glared at him. Millicent stood a few feet away handing out flyers. She saw Pansy, waved and walked over to them.

'You made it' she said glancing over at Theo 'I thought I told you to put that book down and a smile on' she added to him.

'Right away commander' Theo said continuing to read his book.

Pansy smiled 'I can help you hand out flyers' she offered.

Milli smiled back at her 'It's fine. I can handle it. They all know that I bought Madam Malkin's old place and now they are pissed. Change is hard I guess.'

'Yes' Theo said 'That is the reason no one is coming over here you bought the wrong shop.'

Milli eyed him with disdain, her hand on a hip 'You know you could I don't know try and help.'

'I am here aren't I?' he said, his expression bored. His eyes betrayed him however, Pansy could see fear in them, annoyance turning slowly to anger. He was not happy with the people around them but then neither was Pansy.

The two girls turned away from him eyeing the crowd. Something exploded on a stand a couple of feet away from them. The explosion was followed by laughter, people shoved at each other for a better look. Pany watched as George and Ron Weasley performed another exploding trick and the crowd cheered. Her eyes darted over the red headed family looking for Harry but he didn't seem to be there. She stared at Ginevra instead. The woman looked tired, she was smiling with her long red hair dancing on her shoulders and the freckles in her face making her look even younger than she was but Pansy could see the balled fists and her stiff shoulders. Every time her mother looked the other way the forced smile disappeared and Ginevra seemed to shrink.

'You know if Potter ever finds his balls and dumps her, I'd go for her.' Milli whispered embracing Pansy 'She's hot.'

Pansy chuckled 'Go for it. It'd be nice to see her happy.'

'Shouldn't you be jealous or full of ill thought or something?' Milli asked.

Pansy shrugged 'I don't know what I should be. I really don't.' Millicent tightened her grip on Pansy's waist looking over the group of Weasleys to something at the door. Pansy followed her glance to see a tall, dark skinned man in a traveling cloak.

'Blaise!' she exclaimed. Blaise Zabini made his way over to them shaking Theo's hand and bowing to Millicent who glared at him. He looked travel worn and majestic in his dark green robes. He looked like home. She all but ran to him, her arms already spreading to hug him but then she saw the surprise in his dark eyes and stopped.

'What are you doing here? I thought you were in Switzerland?' she asked, not bothering to hide her delight.

'Yes Zabini' Theo said 'We thought you were getting cultured, far away from here.'

'How could I miss all this' Blaise said not trying to hide the sarcasm in his voice. He looked at the red and green lanterns that were hung around Milli's stall. 'Christmas came and went Millicent' he added smirking at her.

'I like it' Theo said.

Blaise leaned against the stall and picked up a comb turning it this way and that before replacing it again.

'It's good to see you Pansy' he said 'Mother said I might find you here.'

'It's good to see you too, Blaise' Pansy said 'Are you staying or just visiting?'

Blaise shrugged 'Don't know yet. Heard they found that traitor's will. Thought it might be worth a look. I might join you on your trip to Hogwarts if his portrait is already hung up in the Headmaster's office I might even get a chance to spit in his face.'

'That's quite enough.' Theo murmured from his place in the corner. Millicent narrowed her eyes looking from one to the other.

'I forgot' Blaise said, his voice lowering to a dangerous level 'How far up his ass you had crawled that last year, Theodore. Still harboring the ambition to become the next potions master? Must be hard with no endorsments.'

Theo stood slowly facing the other man and Pansy was startled to see that they were of a height. Theo used to be smaller. He stepped into Blaise's face deliberately.

'I do not crawl' he said 'That's usually your job.'

Blaise narrowed his eyes 'He betrayed all we stand for. The Dark Lord's demise was as much at his hands as at Potters are you going to tell me you are happy about that?'

'I am' Theo said, his voice still sounded neutral almost bored 'I am happy that Voldemort' Blaise's eyes went wide at the sound of that name, Pansy herself stiffened 'did not win. Guess that makes me a traitor too, wanna spit in my face? I'd like to see you try.'

Pansy watched the scene unfold before her in the familiar grip of fear. She could see Theo pull his wand but she didn't see when Blaise did the same. He was faster, more elegant, more knowledgeable in a fight. Theo had spent seven years avoiding fights, avoiding sides avoiding closeness to all of them but Blaise's mind had always been made up and his tongue was as sharp as his curses.

'Can we not do the wand measuring contest in front of my stall?' Milli said embracing both the men 'I have a business to run I need costumers. Full blood, half-blood, mudblood I don't care as long as they don't see the two of you make a scene. So take your political differences elsewhere.'

'Come on' Pansy said stepping up and taking Blaise's arm 'I'm hot and I can't breathe let's go outside for a minute' she took a deep breath hoping that she sounded normal but she knew her hands were shaking. She hated being afraid especially of her own friends but she was. She couldn't help it. Blaise glanced at her then stepped back from Theo.

'I'd gladly get out of here' he said offering Pansy an arm. She let herself be led away glancing behind her at Theo and Milli. Theo was looking after them his face unusually white, Millicent was glaring. They passed the Weasley stall and continued on until she was outside and in the fresh air. Blaise's lips were a thin line, the rest of his face could have been made out of marble for all the emotion Pansy could read off of it.

'I'm sorry' she said.

'The righteous rule the world now' Blaise said in answer looking at her through hooded eyes.

'Theo is just upset, like the rest of us' Pansy said walking over to him 'I'm glad you are here.'

'Theodore is a coward' Blaise said 'But no matter, the blood traitors won't rule us forever.' He placed a hand to Pansy's cheek and she placed her own over it. He was warm and familiar and he made the fear inside her reside.

'You know it might not be that bad. The Dark Lord being gone' she said.

Blaise's eyes hardened 'You call Theo's parents executed, Milli's mother rotting away in Azkaban not bad? You call what's going on with you not bad? I saw you shaking with fear even looking at those redheaded fools.' He cupped her face with both hands 'You Pansy Parkinson are a queen. They should tremble before you. Not the other way around.'

Pansy blinked, a vivid image of Harry on his knees before her, trembling indeed but for another reason than fear, came to her mind and she pulled up her Occlumency shields feeling tremendously guilty doing so because this was Blaise, her best friend. She shouldn't hide from her best friend. Blaise stepped back looking at her.

'Power is a young girl standing in the corner of a dance room in uncomfortable high heels switching one foot for the other while she scans the dance room floor' he said. 'Right now she might be standing on this one foot but she will switch her balance to the other eventually. As for me I hope she does it soon.'

Pansy looked at her own feet, clad in the highest heels she owned. 'Let's go back' she said 'I want to help Millicent.

Blaise shrugged 'If you want' he said turning towards the front door again. Pansy followed, her heart beating wildly inside her chest. She was angry, confused, hurt. She just didn't know who she was angry with anymore.

The dank and dark hall of Grimmauld Place greeted Harry with silence. Ginny flicked her wand and lights came on warming the place considerably. She took his hand and squeezed it smiling at him.

'Shut the door Harry.'

He did as she asked watching her red hair dance in front of him as she moved to pick something up from the floor.

'It's already dusty in here' she said.

'We need to talk Gin.'

'I think today went well, I learned a lot and George had a lot of people show interest in the shop which is nice.'

Harry turned towards her. Something was choking him he felt like he was falling off his broom and knew that this time there was no one to catch him, to bring him to safety. Hermione had listened to him in silence and when he had finally stopped talking she had hugged him. She'd talked to him, made him see the pain he caused by his inactions. She had been her wonderful self again after that, the darkness that was in her eyes leaving making room for concern and the usual lecturing tone that he loved to get annoyed at.

He could still see Pansy's face, white and shaken after their last conversation and he knew that despite their disagreements, despite their rocky start it was her face he wanted to see when he got to this house. He was already falling, something inside was already moving and he could not stop it and did not want to.

'I need to tell you something' he said, unsure of what to tell her, of how to start.

Ginny blinked, her hands that were moving restlessly as she described their plans, their future stopped in midair, and she placed them in front of her like a student attending her lessons.

'What is it Harry?'

He looked at her the words were trying to burst out of him but he needed to try at least he thought he needed to try and be gentle. He had no idea what he was doing.

'I don't know how to tell you this Ginny I really don't.'

A shadow fell over her face making it older in a blink of an eye. For a second he saw the old woman she was going to become, the old woman with sad empty eyes.

'Then maybe you don't have to tell me' her voice trembled.

Harry swallowed 'I do Gin, I do'

She blinked. Nodded.

'I hoped you wouldn't' she said evenly. There were no tears.

'You already know' Harry said hating the feeling of a weight lifting off of him that filed him for the barest second. Then another weight came crushing down.

'How did you' he started.

'Of course I know Harry. You think me that stupid that I wouldn't know? You aren't exactly hiding it are you?' her voice was becoming shrill, the pain in it audible almost visible ' We never talk, we haven't made love in weeks, you're distracted. You didn't bother coming with me today and you know this was important for me. And I am supposed to not know? I am supposed to not know when you sit there next to me on the couch and smile for no reason when you don't listen when I talk when I have to tell you a thing three times before you catch on? I am supposed to not know?'

Harry just stood there, he had no idea what to say how to stop her or whether he should. Her words washed over him in a flood leaving no room for his own thoughts no way to make excuses no way to stop what he had started.

'How long-'

'And the thing is Harry, the thing is I tried' her voice broke. She put her hands in front of her face as if wanting to prevent him seeing her 'I tired' she said looking at him again through tear filled eyes 'I thought maybe, maybe if I do what I did back in school start something for myself, you remember how Hermione told me that if I would be myself around you more if I dated other people more that you would notice me that you would see me and I thought maybe, maybe if I do that again he would notice me again I...I loved you from when we were kids I loved you first and then I understood what it means to to love a person I didn't even know what I was feeling but I already loved you and all I tried to do all I ever tried to do was get you to notice me to see me. I stood by you and helped you and cheered you on and cried for you and laughed with you and tried for you and when Hermione told me to change to go out make new friends live my life become more like myself I did that. For you. I stood by you after Cedric and after Cho and after everything and hoped and wished when will he see me when will he notice me and you did for a moment you did and I thought there I am finally there I am finally seen. He sees me and then after everything you think I wouldn't know? You think I wouldn't see? I have been watching you all my life Harry all my life ever since I was a child and you think I wouldn't know that there was something? Or is it someone?'

She stopped to take a shaking breath, the lights she had put on in the hallway were flickering on and off and Harry stood helpless in the fire of her anger choking on words that he now knew he would say.

'Ginny, wait listen' he started.

'I thought all right it will pass just maybe it will pass and I will try it again try and have a life next to him apart from him and he will see me again it worked before why not try it again? Why not right? But the thing is Harry the fucked up thing is that my life is so much intertwined with yours that I cannot even see where one thing ends and the other begins there is no room for me in this 'we' we made and I thought fine I thought great finally it happened there is a 'we' and I let you take all the space in it, all the space there was until there's no room for me in that space anymore and when you started pulling away again, I thought it happens. The war passed everyone is struggling we should struggle too. But I don't want to struggle anymore Harry. I don't. And this thing with you, whatever it is, whoever it is. It's not passing is it? It's growing.'

'I'm sorry' Harry said. He tried to walk towards her but she stepped back immediately.

'Don't come near me' her whole face was trembling, contorting but still there were not tears.

'Ginny I am so sorry. I really I don't want to hurt you.'

She shook her head vigorously 'I don't want to hear it Harry. You don't want to hurt me? That's your excuse for putting me through weeks, months, of this? You didn't want to hurt me? I'd rather you didn't come back to me at all. I'd rather you died!' she clasped a hand in front of her mouth 'Oh God what am I saying?'

'Ginny' he tried.

She shook her head again, the lights around them a blazing fire 'I want to be out of here. I hate this house I want to go!'

Harry nodded 'All right let me take you home.'

She pushed passed him her face a mask of anger 'You stay away from me Harry Potter. Just stay the hell away from me.'


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

 **A/N: I am still here, writing. An original project ate my brain, but I am also still working on this story. Quickhidetherum gets cookies with chocloate on top for not only reading this but also my original project.**

 **This is going to be the last chapter that has overlap/set up for The evening light, after this it's full on hansy time! At least, that's the plan.**

 **I hope you still enjoy the chapter and thank you for reading, favouring, following, leaving kudo's and reviews. It is heartwarming and it does keep me going.**

Hogwarts looked moderately better than it did in Pansy's nightmares. It also looked moderately better than it had on the cover of last month's Prophet. As she made her way to the main gate she decided that the school looked almost like a school again. She had left it a battleground.

The wind picked up her hair, actually howling in her ears as if making fun of her decision to go back here. She was cold and terrified and part of her wanted to run but another part was perversely happy to be back in this place. The gates opened for her silently, the weak sun illuminating the castle grounds. There was no one there to welcome her and so she walked in alone, looking at her feet and nothing else.

'Pansy!'

Pansy turned. Millicent was running, waving her arm in greeting 'Wait up!'

Pansy smiled. 'Shouldn't be surprised you're here' she said as her friend caught up with her, her green and silver scarf dancing in the wind.

'I hate that you can't just apparate in this place' Milli said 'Oh look, there's Draco.'

Pansy looked behind her and saw a familiar blond head appear near the gates. Draco was accompanied by a slender, short woman that looked as if she was about to break at any moment. Pansy knew that was deceptive though, Astoria Greengrass would break for no one.

'Want to wait for them?' Millicent asked.

Pansy took a deep breath, the air here already smelled of forest and water and fear and childhood.'Yeah why not. Is she in the will as well?'Pansy asked as Astoria walked around a stone with a natural grace that Pansy had envied since forever.

'Don't know. I wanted to be here for you'Milli said ' Plus I figured I show up, cause I want that Pensive and the books and-'

'You have no shame.'Pansy smirked.

'…and didn't he used to have a bird? I might use a bird.'

'The bird is dead Millicent'Draco said by way of greeting as he and Astoria joined them 'Your voice carries.'

Draco's eyes shifted over the castle grounds as if he was trying not to see it. She caught him glance at the Astronomy Tower and then at his shoes. Astoria placed a hand on his arm and he looked at her gratefully.

'That's it?' he asked 'Just the three of us?'

'No' Millicent said 'Not just us.'

Pansy looked back at the gates in time to see three people in scarfs and cloaks pass it. Theo looked up at the school, his hands in his pockets, looking calm as only he could as he said something to Harry. Behind them bobbed the bushy head of Hermione Granger, her hair caught in the wind, going every which way. Pansy grimaced, there were simple spells to get your hair in check but apparently grooming magic was too good for Granger. She caught Harry's arm and turned to Theo, all polite smiles, saying something that made Theo smile back. Their voices didn't carry.

'Behold the new and improved golden trio' Millicent said behind her and Pansy huffed. 'If Granger's in the will I might actually explode.'

'I see no reason why she should be in the will' Astoria said and glanced at Draco. He had gone even more pale at the sight of Harry and was almost shaking now. Pansy was sure it was not the chilling wind that made him tremble.

'No'he said suddenly 'No, I'm not doing this.'

'Draco'Astoria said.

'No'he said again before stalking off in the direction of the Forbidden Forrest.

Pansy blinked.'Should we go after him?' She wanted to but it was no longer her place to make these kinds of decisions.

Astoria shook her head.'I'll give him a moment I think. Theodore, it is nice to see you' she added as Theo, Harry and Granger joined them.

Theo nodded 'Where is your fiancé?'he asked then turned and hugged Pansy and Millicent 'Nice to see you again ladies.'

'You too Theo' Pansy said 'Draco is over there.' She pointed vaguely in the direction of the forest as her eyes found Harry. Like Draco he didn't seem to be able to look at the castle and like with Draco, it was not she, Pansy, who reached out a hand to comfort him. She glared at Granger, none of her friends had acknowledged her but that didn't seem to bother the woman.

'Oi' came a voice from behind them 'You all here already?'

Hagrid made his way over to them, ignoring Pansy and her friends and lifted Harry and Granger bodily off the ground in a hug. She thought she could hear bones cracking.

'I might vomit' Milli muttered, disdain clear in her voice.

'I might help you' Pansy replied.

She, Milli, Astoria and the golden Gryffindors made their way into the castle while Theo excused himself to no one in particular and went after Draco giving Astoria's hand a reassuring squeeze.

'So you in the will?' Millicent asked Astoria eyeing her like a potential competitor for all those books and potions she wanted. Pansy bit the inside of her cheek to hold back a smile.

'No I am pretty sure I am not' Astoria answered as they made their way passed the mess that used to be the great hall. The castle looked all right from the outside but the staff had their work cut out for them when it came to the inside.'I'm just here as emotional support.'

'Me too' Granger said, though no one asled her.

'But you are mentioned?' Pansy asked Harry.

'Apparently' he bit out. He looked tense, his jaw was set and he seemed determined not to look at her.

'Harry seems to have been mentioned yes. Minerva said as much when he owled her.' Granger said 'There seems to be something wrong with that will Minerva said, that's why she wanted us all here.'

Pansy saw Millicent form the words 'Minerva said' with a disgusted look on her face.

The Headmistress waited for them at the foot of the spiraling staircase. She hugged Granger and shook Harry's hand giving a cursory glance at the Slytherins.

'Mr. Nott and Mr. Malfoy are not with you?' she asked.

The woman looked tired. Like one whose shoulders were constantly filled with too much.

'They are here' Astoria said 'But we can hold the meeting without them surely.'

McGonagall looked somewhere over Astoria's head as she answered 'I am afraid I need to have everyone present, the nature of the will demands it.'

'Good that we're here then' Theo said walking up behind Pansy. She smiled at him. Draco looked pale still but seemed to have calmed down somewhat. His eyes found Astoria and his face relaxed.

'Excellent' McGonagall said 'If you will follow me.'

They did. McGonagall offered chairs to Harry and Granger while the five Slytherins stood in the corner. Millicent seemed about to say something but Pansy nudged her. She had never been inside these rooms and was now overwhelmed with a need to get out of here. The room was round and filled with portraits, old, dead faces staring at her. She swallowed with difficulty and felt Theo's hand on her elbow. At least Blaise hadn't shown up, there was an upside. She glanced at Draco, she could not see the two of them in one room, not without wands drawn. Not anymore.

'Where's his portrait?' Harry asked looking around the room. Pansy thought she saw discomfort in his eyes as well. Granger sat very straight, looking at her hands and not at Harry, she was a bit thinner than Pansy remembered her but still just as annoyingly proud and eager to show off as always. Pansy's eyes narrowed and she leaned into Theo giving him the support she wished she could give to Harry. Seeing him like this hurt, it was easier when he wasn't around and she could pretend that he belonged to her.

'Professor Snape left the post of Headmaster before his death' McGonagall said glancing at Harry 'I have never seen a portrait appear.'

'What?' Harry asked at the same time as Draco said 'That's not how that incantation works and you know it.'

McGonagall's lips became a tight line 'If we could focus on the task at hand please' she said and Pansy wondered how it was possible that she felt eleven again when this woman looked at her 'I have a school to re-open and I would like to get this over with.'

'Don't we all' Theo muttered besides Pansy. The door behind them opened and a short man with hair bushier than Granger's walked in. Harry stood, surprise clearly written on his face.

'Mr. Monfroi'

The man nodded 'Mr. Potter, Headmistress' he nodded to Granger and glanced at Pansy's group.

'What are you doing here?' Harry asked.

'Mr. Monfroi is here to make certain there are no illegalities with this will, Potter. We wouldn't want accidents.'

McGonagall looked them over one by one as the Auror took his place behind her. Then she slowly produced five bottles from a sleeve of her robe. The bottles were all different colors and shapes. McGonagall placed them on the table with care. They stared at the bottles in silence.

'Danger lies before you, while safety lies behind' Granger murmured her eyes fixed on the table. She was smiling slightly, it wasn't a warm smile.

Harry turned to her.'I thought the same thing' he said looking at her with delight. Granger's eyes warmed when they met his.

Pansy turned away from that particular display and looked at the table as well. There was a round purple bottle, a slightly pale green one, a tall golden one that looked like it might be filled with the Felix potion. Pansy looked at the square shaped blue bottle and bit her lip, she wanted that one if she got to choose.

'These four bottles' the Headmistress said after a moment, indicating the ones Pansy had been staring at 'are for Mister Nott, Miss Parkinson, Miss Bulstrode and Mister Malfoy, if they manage to choose the right one. The red one is for you Mister Potter.'

'How do you know that?' Harry asked, he was looking as white as Draco now. McGonagall produced a wand and touched the red bottle with it. 'Observe' she said as if they were in class. Snape's voice rang out over the room as soon as she touched the wand to the bottle and both Theo and Pansy cursed.

'This one is for Potter.'

'Ok fine this one is for me' Harry muttered looking at his shoes. Granger placed a hand on his shoulder. McGonagall looked over at the four of them.

'You may chose the one that speaks to you.'

'What if we choose wrong?' Theo asked.

McGonagall's lips pursed again 'It would seem Mister Nott that Severus was determined to leave his earthly possessions to members of Slytherin house. If you choose wrong the bottle will change slightly and I will be forced to bring in the next person on his list.'

'He left a list?' Pansy asked.

'He did Miss Parkinson, you four seem to be his first choice, but there are others in case one of you refuses what has been left for them or guesses wrong.'

Before she was done speaking Millicent walked over to the table and snatched up the purple bottle with a grin on her face.

'Nice going Milli' Theo said.

'I like purple' she answered looking around in wait of the same voice.

That didn't come. The bottle shook and then turned into a key. There was a silence as Milli studied the object. Pansy looked over at Harry he seemed surprised, Granger looked outright angry now Pansy could see her lips forming the word 'bastard' before she quickly looked away from the key and to her own hands again.

'Do you recognize this?' the Auror asked.

'Yeah, I don't think so' Millicent said. She looked at Pansy for support, her eyes blazing.

'Miss Bulstrode I implore you to work with Mr. Monfroi' McGonagall said. Her lips were still in a tight, thin line. Pansy looked up at the portraits above her head. There was some movement in a number of them. Dumbledore had his eyes closed though, feigning sleep.

'I don't think Severus Snape meant any of us harm.' The calm voice of Astoria Greengrass, soon to be Malfoy, cut through the tension like a knife through butter. A sharp pretty knife that knew its purpose and relished in it. The short Auror looked away from Millicent.

'I am here to do my job Miss-'

'Mrs. Malfoy' Astoria said still with that same calm.

Draco smiled 'As good as' he said 'But let's stop pretending we don't know why you are truly here Mr. Monfroi' he added with the usual Malfoy arrogance. His long aristocratic face was filled with contempt but Pansy saw the rage hiding just beneath the surface. She was struck with how well she knew that face. Theo squeezed her arm and she forced herself to look away.

'You want us to change all the bottles in front of you. But I am guessing they will all be keys and I for one have no desire to open whatever it is the key is hiding in front of you as well.' Draco said 'I'd like some form of privacy.'

There was another prolonged silence as Mr. Monfroi and Draco eyed each other.

'You are talking of a Death Eater who will be posthumously convicted of murder among other crimes' Mr. Monfroi said through gritted teeth' Just because you escaped…'

Draco's eyes narrowed, his hands twitched as if to reach for his wand but then he paled and stepped back. Theo's hand tightened on Pansy's elbow.

'Ok.' Harry's voice was soft but steady 'That's enough. Mr. Monfroi if you can please schedule an appointment for me, I need to speak with the Minister.'

The Auror raised his eyebrows 'What about?'

'Severus Snape's so called status as Death Eater' Harry said, his fists were balled and Pansy saw the beginnings of the rage she had seen in the cemetery in his posture.'I have some information that might interest the Minister greatly' he added. Pansy looked away deliberately now, she knew herself, one more glance and she would do something stupid like touch him. 'I would also like you to leave now ' Harry continued.

'I am your superior Mr. Potter' The Auror said with raised eyebrows. It was clear from the look on his face that he was struggling between showing how offended he was and remaining respectful in front of the Chosen One.

'I know' Harry replied. He took off his glasses and cleaned them on his shirt replacing them with care 'But I did kill Tom Riddle. I believe you mentioned murder charges?' he enquired looking straight at the Auror.

'Harry' Granger said reproachfully.

Harry shrugged 'I did kill him, makes me kind of a murderer too' he said 'And now I want to talk to the Minister, so I suggest you get going Mr. Monfroi, deliver my request and give us some privacy.'

'What is this information you claim to have?' the Headmistress asked looking severe.

Harry turned to her 'I had hoped Headmaster Dumbledore would have shared that with you Professor' he said. 'Nothing to say?' he added directly to the portrait. Dumbledore's eyes opened and he looked at Harry without a word. Harry shrugged. His arms were shaking slightly now and his eyes burned with an almost inhuman fire. There was pain here, and lots of it, but there was also bravery and a determination that made Pansy's heart jump. It was that determination she admired, it was the pain she could not walk passed. She swallowed as Harry stood, walked towards the door and waited. It was a display of power unlike Pansy had seen from him before and after a moment the Auror frowned and left the room, his jaw set, a promise of retaliation in his eyes. Granger too looked as if she was on the verge of arguing but Harry gave her a levelled look and she crossed her arms before her and bit her lip and stayed silent. He closed the door behind Mr. Monfroi and looked back at the Headmistress. Pansy thought she would be able to pick up the tension in the room and throw it around.

'Mr. Potter' the Headmistress said finally 'That was both rude and uncalled for.'

'As was not offering more chairs' Harry said.

'My hero' Milli sneered.

'Yeah I am a hero' Harry agreed the fire in his eyes had gone cold, he looked hard, unbreakable, on the verge of collapsing. 'So I get to call the shots I guess. That's what heroes do after they're done heroing.' He walked over to the table picked up his bottle and with sudden fury smashed it against the wall before it transfigured.

'Mr. Potter!' McGonagall exclaimed. Pansy closed her eyes, she should have seen that coming. Harry looked around the room as if just waking up, his eyes widened with fright as he stared at the broken bottle and then he fled. Granger excused herself and followed him closing the door gently behind her and leaving the group of Slytherins alone with the Headmistress.

There was a pause in which they studied each other, then Theo broke the silence. He let go of Pansy's arm and walked over to the table choosing the pale green bottle. It fell apart in his hands turning into three sealed envelopes. Theo blinked at them and stepped back. Draco's bottle revealed another key as did Pansy's. She stared at hers in curiosity. It looked like a Gringott's key. She had no idea why Snape would leave her whatever was in his vault, gold she presumed. She saw Milli stare at her with surprise on her face.

'Sure you get money, I get slimy jars. That's fair' she said rolling her eyes.

'That key belongs to his cabinet?' Theo asked, interested.

Millicent nodded. 'Yeah, want to go see my new slimy jars collection?' She sounded disgusted.

'Are we done here?' Draco asked. He was clutching his own key in his first, his face contorted with rage.

'I believe so Mister Malfoy' the Headmistress said, she looked shaken.

Draco turned and bolted for the door slamming it behind him. Astoria followed him with an apologetic look at the rest of them.

'Let's go' Pansy said to Theo and Millicent when she disappeared. The three of them walked out of the room, descending the steps in silence. The castle was cold, grim and unwelcome. Pansy turned, half expecting McGonagall to follow but she didn't. She couldn't see Draco or Harry and Granger and for a moment she stood, unsure of what to do.

'Let's go look at Milli's jars' Theo said taking her arm.

'Isn't that dangerous?' Pansy asked looking at a painting of a white knight. It was partly torn, the knight's left leg missing.

'We can try' Theo said. They sat out towards the dungeons. That part of the castle turned out to be either remarkably intact or already fixed Pansy didn't know. The bloody Baron tried to bar their way at first but, recognizing them slid away again, chains clanging around him. Apart from the ghost however, they didn't see anyone. They passed the common room and walked towards the room that had been Snape's office for six out of their seven years at Hogwarts. The door here was broken, some of the cabinets were missing glass. Pansy walked in behind Milli and placed her hand on the rough old table tracing a line in the wood. The room smelled of brimstone and fire, the smell of clean air and herbs that used to hang around here was gone.

Milli walked over to the cabinets frowning as she tried the key's on several of them.

'Maybe they're broken' Theo said.

'Optimist' Pansy remarked. Her own key was still in her hand, she had to resist the urge to constantly look at it. Theo sat behind the desk and looked around as Milli tried another cabinet. This one opened and she let out a whistle as she pulled out a small Pensive first and then a stack of books.

'I thought you said slimy things in jars?' Pansy said smiling at her friend's delight.

'Occlumency books' Milli said 'That's more like it. Now we only need to collect your money' she looked around the room again. 'Where are his jars?' she asked.

'McGonagall probably tossed them away' Theo said. The room looked wrong without them, the mess of it, the broken cabinets it was oppressing.

'Let's get out of here' Pansy said.

'There you are' a voice said behind her and Pansy turned in order to see Granger hovering in the door opening. She felt out of place here, her eyes immediately started darting around the room observing everything. Pansy shuddered.

'Get out' Mill said smiling sweetly at her.

'I was hoping I could speak with you for a moment' Granger said to Pansy 'Alone.' She looked at Milli and Theo.'Hagrid said it's not safe inside the castle.'

'And whatever the giant oaf says...' Milli muttered. She hugged her books to her, shrank the pensive and placed it in a pocket of her robes. 'Come on Pans.'

Pansy shook her head 'I'll join you in a minute' she said 'If it's not safe we can talk outside, Granger.'

Granger nodded.

Pansy saw Theo and Milli exchange a look but her friends didn't say anything.

They left the gloomy castle and Millicent and Theo turned towards the gate. Pansy followed Granger in the opposite direction in silence. She was painfully aware of how well she knew this scene. She had watched her mother walking in their garden just like this, tight faced and prim, a young girl in tow. A girl who stayed too long, wanted too much, who needed to be put back in her place. Pansy felt her stomach turn to knots, fear familiar and unwelcome, twining itself with the beginnings of anger. At Harry for telling this woman out of anyone else. At herself as well for allowing herself into this situation but mostly at Hermione Granger who thought she could stand here with a straight face and tell her off like some naughty child. She watched as Granger stopped at the edge of the black lake, picked up a small rock and bounced it over the water.

'You'll wake the squid' Pansy said coming to stand next to her and watching the dark waters get hit by the rock.

'I might' Granger said.

'Where's Harry?' Pansy asked not wanting to drag this out. Granger didn't flinch at hearing the familiarity of a first name, confirming Pansy's suspicions. She was going to be told off. Well she thought we'll see about that.

'He apparated away' Granger said her eyes fixed on the water. 'He said he wanted to be alone. I decided to allow it.' Pansy kept looking straight at her. Allow it? 'I expect he will end up at your door.'

'This the part where you tell me how much you hate me?'

'I have no time to hate you' Granger said shaking her head and crossing her arms in front of her.'This is the part where I ask a favor.'

'A favor' Pansy repeated.

'Yes. Harry' Granger stopped, closed her eyes and opened them again staring at the water. 'He will feel guilty. About breaking that bottle today, about Ginny, everything. I'd like you to distract him. Take him away from here for a while. Go to Antwerp while I deal with the Weasleys.'

Pansy felt her eyes widen. Granger did take her for a whore then. That hurt and made her angry and she wanted to bite back but instead she found herself asking 'Why do the redheads need to be dealt with?'

Hope fluttered somewhere inside her, shameful hope that she squashed immediately.

Granger glanced at her, picked up another rock and hurtled it at the water.

'Molly and Arthur are the last thing close to family I have left' she said in a matter of fact tone. 'They lost a son to the war, two of their sons are maimed forever. Charlie and Bill left as soon as Fred was in the ground, Percy is back at home stalking every room and bringing home a different girl each evening, Ron-.' She bit her lip, her face hardening 'and now their daughter is in pain as well. They need happiness, they crave joy, normalcy. I am going to give that to them. But I need time. And I can't help them and be there for Harry as well.'

'So I need to spread my legs for him' Pansy spat 'As long as you allow it of course' she added with a sneer.

Granger turned to her. 'I do allow it' she said.

'You think I need your permission to live my life?' Pansy bit out.

'I don't see you leading any kind of life' Granger replied. She stepped back from the water, her eyes blazing as she finally looked at Pansy 'I am trying to help.'

'By bossing everyone around?' Pansy asked.

Granger huffed. 'If it's necessary, yes.' She put up a hand to prevent Pansy from speaking. 'Look, Harry has convinced himself that you care so maybe do the right thing if you do.'

'And of course the right thing will be to do what you say.'

Granger sighed 'Let me tell you something about Harry. When he feels guilty he fixates. After his godfather died he didn't talk to me and Ron about it. Instead he became obsessed with proving that Draco Malfoy joined the Death Eaters. I fear the same thing might happen again now. He feels guilty about the dead, about Ginny, about-' She faltered looking away from Pansy for a moment. 'I'd rather he not deal with his guilt by fixating on either of our former Headmasters.'

Pansy stared at the woman. She could not understand the world she lived in. You couldn't control anything, let alone people. Not like this. She couldn't believe the arrogance one needed to posses to spit out this drivel.

'Harry has a right to feel his pain any way he wants' she said. Granger looked uncomfortable. She bit her lip and stepped back from Pansy.

'And I am not planning to stop him. If we go to Antwerp it will be because Harry wants to.' Pansy pushed enjoying the look on the other woman's face when she heard the word 'we'.

'I see' she said after a moment's silence turning back to the water. Pansy had the sudden feeling that Granger might cry. Her shoulders slumped, the cold look leaving her face.

'I'm trying to help' she repeated.

Pansy walked over to her and stood, staring at the water as well.

'Just don't' Granger started 'Don't let him drown.' She sounded weak now, her voice trembling 'If anything happened to him I couldn't, he is-' she broke off.

'Yeah he loves you too' Pansy said 'That much is clear.' She glanced at the woman 'Don't worry, I won't let him drown.'


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N:** **Happy new year everyone!** **Am I still alive and working on this story? You bet I am. Will there be regular updates? Nope. I am very upfront about that. This thing is not going the way I planned so I am just letting it unfold the way it wants to.**

 **Thank you to my wonderful beta quickhidetherum for still sticking with me. And thank you, if you are still here or new here and you decide you like this well enough to leave a fave/kudo's/comment. I appreciate it.**

 **Chapter 9**

Harry pushed open the door to the Leaky Cauldron and stepped inside. He waved at Tom who only looked up from polishing the beer glasses long enough to make sure the new arrival was not interested in a drink. The pub smelled of fire whiskey and human sweat even this early in the morning but Harry was used to it by now.

When Harry showed up at the Leaky Cauldron two weeks ago Tom had been happy to give him what he had called 'his old room.' Harry had taken it. He could breathe in this room. Breathe in a way that filled his lungs with air, breathe like he hadn't been able to at home where the walls were coming at him from all sides. He had found a t-shirt of Ginny's laying on the corner of the couch. He had picked it up, dropped it to the floor, then picked it back up again. The familiarity of the fabric made him nauseous, made his eyes prick with tears.

The house had held too many ghosts to start with and now it felt too full, crowded, pressing in Harry. It took him a while to realize that he had added his own ghosts to Grimmauld Place and that thought had finally made him throw up. He sat on his hands and knees, heaving uselessly and trying to catch his breath with a mouth that had gone dry instantly. His throat burned, he wanted to scream. Instead, he made himself stand, made himself clean the mess he had made. He had packed a bag and booked a room at the Leaky and forced himself to go on. He had been at the inn for the past weeks, trying and failing to make an appointment with Kingsley while simultaneously following Auror classes that had started back up again. Being with Ron was tense and Harry inwardly waited for the bubble of pretense they had been keeping up to burst entirely. The new Minister was also not keen on seeing Harry, it seemed and Harry guessed that was because Kingsley knew what had happened at Hogwarts. But he was determined, the determination sat snug and warm in his chest and it's pressure felt like a lifeline.

The pub was still quiet this early in the morning. Harry picked up a bag that contained the breakfast he had bought in muggle London and was about to go upstairs to his room, where he was going to write another frustrated letter to Kingsley, when he spotted Pansy. She was sitting at a table farthest away from the bar, studying a piece of parchment with a concerned look on her face. The table in front of her was strewn with more parchment, scrolls and documents of some kind. She replaced the scroll in her hand and picked up another one frowning at it. Harry caught himself smiling, before he knew it he was walking over to her table. Something warm spread in his chest, settling in the same place he had known his determination to live, it felt completely natural, necessary even that Pansy was here. She should be here, he thought vaguely, he had been waiting for her. When he reached the table Pansy looked up from the scroll in her hand, startled, and blinked at him.

'Can I help?' he asked. It was difficult to hide his smile. For the past two weeks, whenever he had not been obsessing over Kingsley and Snape and injustice, he had been thinking about showing up at her doorstep, like he had done earlier, but fear had stopped him. What if she would reject him because he had lost his temper back at Hogwarts? What if she didn't want him anymore? He had made a mess of his life, but so it seemed had she, and he wanted to hide from the mess with her, together. Seeing her here only made this feeling, his longing for her, stronger.

'Potter. What are you doing here?' she asked placing the parchment on the table.

'I live here,' Harry said. ' Sort of. What are those?'

'Patents,' she said still studying him and frowning. 'What do you mean you live here?' Her eyes were narrowed and there was a crease between her brows. He wanted to place his hands on her skin, to remember how it felt. He placed a hand on the table instead and sat next to her. Pansy blinked but didn't move.

'The walls were coming at me back at my place,' Harry said. 'Tom said I could have a room. Why do you have so many patents?'

'How nice of Tom,' Pansy said returning her attention to the scrolls on the table. She stared at him for a moment then sighed. 'Snape,' she said picking up another document. 'They're patents for potions he worked on, or invented or whatever. Most of it is crap. I am trying to decide which ones I can get money out of. These,' she pointed at the mess on the left side of the table, 'are useless. These' she pointed to her right 'I am certain I can use. The ones in the middle are in the 'Will need to ask Theo' pile. I never was any good with potions.'

'Neither was I,' Harry said. He picked up a parchment, saw the handwriting on it and dropped it back to the table as if burned. 'This one is Dumbledore's.'

Pansy nodded 'There are a couple where they seemed to have worked together. Drop them in the 'useless' pile, I'm not taking any money off of Dumbledore.'

Harry nodded. 'All right,' he paused, afraid to pick up another document, afraid of what he might see. 'So, that's what Snape left you?'

Pansy lowered the document in front of her and looked at him. 'Yes, it would seem so. Most of these are converted to my name, some are for Theo. Theoretical stuff, Wolfsbane modifications, things like that. But the ones he left me, there's money in some of them. I just need to figure out how to get it. Classic Snape, couldn't be arsed to just leave me cash,' she paused and stared at Harry, her eyes narrowed again. 'You can't hide at the Leaky forever you know, you have…friends. People who care and who will annoy. Did you figure out what he left you?' She sounded half sad, half angry and Harry sat back on the chair more firmly and picked up another document.

'McGonagall said the bottle disappeared,' he said pushing his glasses up his nose.

Pansy chuckled. 'Figures.'

'Hermione said I wouldn't get back whatever was in there. She thinks, she…well she explained the magic involved in it but I didn't really listen.'

Pansy's face hardened. 'You spoke to Granger.'

Harry nodded. 'I broke up with Ginny, ' he blurted. His voice trembled. He was certain he sounded needy and childish and perhaps he was both needy and still a child in some ways. He just didn't know what it was he needed. Pansy had it, he was almost sure of it but he could not articulate what it is he wanted. It wasn't sex, although the prospect of that hung in the back of his mind like a cloud of enticing perfume. It wasn't companionship either, not as such, he had friends, he knew he could lean on Hermione and Ron no matter what if he wanted too. No, what he craved from Pansy was the way she could look at him as if he was an idiot but the most important idiot in the room. He wanted her sharp judgement, her questions, her sharp edges.

He had not heard from Ginny after she had left his house. Ron and he had been dancing around the subject of the break-up for the past two weeks. He had hid from everyone and everything determined to see this new cause for justice he had found to a good end.

'I know that already,' Pansy said and Harry felt his shoulders slump.

'How?' he asked, afraid for a second she had read it in the Prophet.

'Had a chat with Granger myself recently,' Pansy said, the contempt clear in her voice.

Harry raised his eyebrows. 'You did?'

'Did you speak to the Minister?' she asked instead. She leaned back in the chair, watching him, her face pinched as if she was expecting an attack.

'No. Not yet, ' Harry said. 'He is a hard man to reach. I thought…I thought it would be easier.' He swallowed back the disappointment.

'Because you are Harry Potter?' Pansy asked. There was no mockery in the question just a sense of resignation.

He smiled ruefully at her. 'Might as well get something out of the name. Kingsley is a friend, I don't understand why he would act this way.'

'What way?'

Harry took off his glasses and started cleaning them on his sweater, looking down at his hands. He pushed the bag with food towards Pansy. 'It's like he's hiding,' he said feeling guilty. He was hiding himself, why wouldn't Kingsley be allowed to do the same? 'You want breakfast?'

Pansy opened the bag and smiled picking up a scone. 'Nice!' she said and bit into it. Harry grinned at her.

'He might very well be hiding,' Pansy said once she had eaten the scone and pushed one onto Harry. Harry replaced his glasses to see if she was joking but she looked thoughtful, her head coked to the side allowing her hair to fall over her shoulder. 'Kingsley might have been your friend, Minister Shacklebolt is a stranger with a very packed schedule. Especially if he heard what you want to talk to him about.'

'Spoken like a true Slytherin, ' Harry said.

Pansy ignored him. 'You are still set on speaking to him though? About Snape?'

Harry nodded. 'Yeah, I am indeed.'

'Why?' she asked sounding genuinely curious. Harry leaned back against the chair allowing some of the tension to bleed from his limbs.

'Because it is the right thing to do, ' he said. 'I need to set the record straight. It's unfair otherwise.'

'Unfair,' Pansy repeated, still thoughtful. 'Why is it unfair? It's not like they'll prosecute. He is dead.'

'What people think about him is wrong,' Harry said. 'I have the means to set the record straight.'

'And you are certain that what you think about him is right?' she asked. Her face closed. He could see nothing but an indifferent mask but he was starting to recognize signs of fear in her. Her feet moved restlessly and her eyes that had been firmly on him just a moment ago now shifted to something behind him.

'I told you, 'Harry said. 'I have proof.'

'Proof of what exactly?' she snapped.

'Proof that he fought for the right side, that he was a good person. That he doesn't deserve to be named in one breath with the other Death Eaters.'

Pansy put out a hand and swept the parchments off the table. They floated in a neat pile above it for a moment and then landed in her purse.

'Fighting for the side you think is the right one and being a good person are two different things, ' she said. Her jaw set and her eyes flashed back to him, he could see the anger in them. 'You are an ass, you know that? You are a stupid, gullible ass. You truly think that talking to the Minister will change something?'

'Yeah, I do.' Harry said he felt anger rise in him as well. He was prepared to fight for this. He was right, doing this was right. She had to see that.

Pansy shook her head. 'It won't. But you are dead set on this idea, I can see that.'

'I am talking to Kingsley,' he repeated.

Pansy sighed and closed her bag. ' You are talking to Minister Shacklebolt, there's a difference. You want,' she faltered, pulled a hand through her hair then looked at him again. 'You want company? When you next visit the Minister?'

Harry raised his eyebrows. 'You want to come with me?''

Pansy shrugged. 'If you can't beat them, join them. Which incidentally, was part of the reason one of my uncles joined the Death Eaters, I think.' She gave Harry a critical look that reminded him of the way Hermione looked at him when he was about to do something she considered stupid. 'Is this what you're wearing? Because frankly that will not do.'

Harry frowned at her. 'What does it matter what I look like?'

'It matters quite a lot,' Pansy said. 'What about your cousin? I thought we were going to Antwerp?'

Harry felt a flutter of hope and guilt at her words. Dudley. He had almost forgotten, or rather he had pushed the thoughts of Dudley right out of his mind. It was easier to focus on a cause to fight for than it was thinking about mending fences with people, especially people who he had known in a life before magic. Pansy's question opened up another thought in him. Or rather, a half formed hope. She had said 'we', she wanted to come with him. There was an opening here, a chance at a life that might include more than the endless fight for the right thing. A life in which he could take his girlfriend to Antwerp and introduce her to his family. If he and Dudley ever managed to be family that is. When he thought the word all he saw in his mind were the Weasley's. That brought a stab of pain to his chest. The Weasley's was all he had ever wanted ever since he was eleven years old. They were pre-made as it were. A warmth and an easiness, like sunshine that he could just bask in without doing the work. He could just lay back, or at least that is what he had thought he could do.

'I spoke to Dudley,' he said with some reluctance. This woman was different, this possibility he could dimply see in a future he didn't dare imagining, this possible 'we' she had so casually mentioned meant work. It would take work to build a family of his own, one that included the people he chose for himself, the people that Pansy would choose as well. Harry didn't know if he had the strength to build something like that. 'He wants to meet, but I need to do this first, I need to set things straight, first,' he said.

Pansy sighed and stood from her chair. 'You got a mirror in that room of yours?'

Harry frowned at her 'Yes, why?'

'I 'm coming with you. Ministry first, then we are going to see about that cousin.'

'You seem determined,' Harry said. He stood, vanishing the now empty bag that had contained their breakfast and then tentatively, he reached for her hand.

Pansy's face softened and she nodded to herself before gripping his hand firmly, Her fingers were trembling but her voice sounded every bit as sarcastic as ever when she spoke. 'There's no way to get this stupid idea out of your head, so, you better do this right. Meaning: my way.' Her thumb caressed his palm. 'I want you to do whatever you want to do, no matter how stupid it is.'

'Whatever I want to do?' Harry asked leading the way up the stairs. Pansy didn't answer. He opened the door allowing her inside.

'To an extent,' she said looking around the room. 'If you start acting truly idiotic I might have to put a stop to it.'

'I see,' Harry said then turned her around, her hand was still in his. She looked up at him, her eyes wide and startled, but behind the fear he saw a hope that almost broke him. He kissed her, hoping and trying to convey wordlessly that her hopes were sound that he shared them, that he perhaps even thought a bit further along the line to a future in which she would be his and he hers and there would be no responsibility, no fear anymore. It was easy to imagine such a world when she waved her arms around his neck and pressed herself fully against him.

'Pansy,' he whispered when she ended the kiss, her eyes still closed and her body fitting against his like a glove. 'Pansy.' He wanted to apologize, to tell her he saw the fear inside of her and that he would try to stop it, to make her feel so safe that there would simply be no place for her fear anymore. But she stepped out of his arms.

'Glad we got that sorted out then,' she said and swallowed pushing her hair out of her face and walking towards the bathroom. She stood in front of the mirror and pulled out her wand.

'What are you doing?' Harry asked and sat on the bed.

'Making myself look pretty,' Pansy said and started performing intricate half circles with her wand. Harry didn't recognize the spell. 'If this stupidity is what you want to be doing I might as well help. Got nothing better to do anyway.'

Harry smiled ''You are pretty already.'

'Not enough for a visit to the Minister,' she said. She moved her wand in a circling motion again, doing something that made her eyes look twice as big. Harry sat back on the bed and watched her. He had the peculiar feeling that she was putting on a face, literally and figuratively, that this ritual helped her keep her back straight, that it helped her hide the pain and fear he knew were inside her.

'You might want to do something about that outfit of yours as well, ' Pansy said.

'You want me to wear dress robes? It's Kingsley.'

'No, it's Minister Shacklebolt,' she said examining her reflection critically. 'I told you, he is not your friend, and trust me, appearances matter. A lot.' She aimed her wand at her hair, it stood up straight and started falling gently around her face in alluring waves. 'Let me ask you something, what makes you so sure you know him now?'

'Kingsley?' Harry asked. He was watching her hair resettle with a mixture of awe and confusion. Did girls really need all this stuff? Hermione had never bothered with any of it as far as he knew. And yet there was skill here, skill and some form of power that he could not quite understand. It was mesmerizing to watch her.

'Not Shacklebolt, Snape, 'Pansy said.

'I,' Harry hesitated then decided to plunge in. Pansy had trusted him in her way, and she was here wanting to be a 'we'. He set his teeth and forced the words out. 'He left me something, during the war. Snape. Memories. His memories. That proved he was, that he was fighting on the right side.' It felt like a small betrayal. He had not shared the content of the memories fully with anyone and only told about them to Hermione and Ron.

'Your side you mean,' Pansy said. She had moved on to her face now, color was blooming in her cheeks making her face look more angular. Her shoulders straightened and her demeanor changed to one that screamed warrior. He wanted to hug her to him, feel her tremble in his arms. 'You didn't know Snape like I did Potter, you weren't in Slytherin.'

'What does it matter which House I was in?' Harry asked. He sat up straighter on the bed, tension creeping back into his muscles. He forced himself to relax. He wanted to do this, be with her. He wasn't stupid enough to think that being with Pansy would be easy. There would be arguments and he prepared himself to withstand every one of them, including this one.

Pansy huffed. 'It matters a lot. You know it does.'

'So you think I shouldn't fight for him, for his memory, because I was in Gryffindor?'

Pansy turned to him, a hand on her hip. 'I think he's dead. I think he…it doesn't matter what I think. He is dead. Your cousin on the other hand is alive.'

Harry narrowed his eyes and sat up. 'We can meet with Dudley when I am done with this.'

She shook her head. 'You won't be done with this soon, if ever. He escaped, Snape escaped, people are hardly going to forget or forgive that.'

'He died,' Harry said. 'I'd hardly call that escaping.'

Pansy shrugged and started work on her lips, painting them a dark red.

'People out there don't care,' she said once the lipstick was applied. She gave herself a critical look. 'People out there want blood, they don't care if that blood comes from a dead man or an alive one. Snape should be in Azkaban according to them and he is not. He is in a hole in the ground, Narcissa Malfoy bought him a nice closed casket. He got a private funeral, they would think that unfair, and Shacklebolt, he knows that. He is going to wait until Rita Skeeter's book comes out before the Ministry is going to make an official statement on Snape.'

Harry frowned. Her words unsettled him and at the same time there was a comfort there too, it was comforting to know that when she stepped outside she saw predators everywhere. Just like Harry himself did. 'I need to do this Pansy. It's the right thing to do, I know you don't get it.'

'I don't get it,' she echoed turning to face him. Her arms were crossed before her chest. 'You going into that Ministry with some phony memories that show God knows what is not going to quench their bloodlust. It's not going to change anything.'

'It's a step in the right direction,' Harry said. 'If I can explain to Kingsley-'

'He betrayed us!' she shouted, her eyes were blazing with fury. She shut her mouth with an audible snap as if to prevent anything more to come out.

Harry suppressed a sigh. 'Because he betrayed Voldemort,' he said, resigned. It always seemed to circle back to that with her.

She shuddered at the name. ' He betrayed _us_ ,' she said through clenched teeth. 'Me, and everyone in Slytherin. I don't care what side of the war he fought on. Draco still took the mark, I spent my seventh year at Hogwarts learning how to perform the cruciatus on my classmates and allowing Neville Longbottom, _Longbottom,_ to look at me with disgust. I had Alecto Carrow in my dorm every evening laughing and practicing some more spells, on us this time. He didn't change any of that.' Her voice was steadily rising, she was almost deathly pale under her make up. 'He betrayed us,' she spat. 'He left us. He told us he would be there for us but when push came to shove he did what everyone else did, he catered to the Gryffindors.'

Harry blinked, he didn't know how to stop this storm. He had no idea what to say. She made a gesture as if hitting the air and then huffed and sat on the bed as far away from his as possible.

'You remember our first year? When Slytherin won the house cup until Dumbledore started awarding points?' she asked, her voice muffled and unsteady.

Harry nodded, then realized her back was turned to him. 'Yeah I remember.' Pansy turned to look at him, streaks of dark mascara were lining her cheeks.

'We went back to the dungeons after the feast that evening, having lost to Gryffindor and Snape had told the prefects to gather all of us in the common room. He had asked the house-elves to prepare a festive meal for us, just for us. He told us that we had won that night, but that things were going to be different now that Harry Potter had come to Hogwarts. He told us he was on our side, that he would always be on our side. We trusted him. I trusted him. Me and my classmates we did all we could to get the best grades, to never step out of line, win every Quidditch game, be the best. And we did it because he asked it of us, because he was our Head of House, because he was supposed to protect us from the other teachers, from the Headmaster.'

She breathed in through her nose in rapid succession and Harry realized that she was trying not to cry again. Her hands were balled into fists. He stood and walked over to her and tried to wrap her in his arms but Pansy gave him a look of such loathing that he stepped back again.

'I didn't realize you were this angry with him,' he said.

Pansy huffed. 'Of course you didn't. You don't realize a thing, you were not in Slytherin. I don't know what all these supposed memories are that he left you but you didn't know Severus Snape, not really. He doesn't deserve pity. He doesn't deserve to escape.' She sighed and stood walking over to the mirror again. ' And now I am going into the Ministry of Magic to defend him,' she said her voice becoming emotionless once again as she started reapplying her make-up.

'You don't have to,' Harry said. 'Not if, not if this is hard for you.'

'Everything is hard for me, Harry,' Pansy said. 'But it's important to you and I don't want you to botch it up and you will without my help.'

'Because I don't know anything,' Harry said with a soft smile.

'Exactly,' she said.

Harry stood and embraced her. He could see their reflection in the mirror, it looked right to him. They looked right to him. He pulled her closer and saw heat spark in her eyes.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

 **A/N: Thank you to quickihdetherum for being so helpful in bringing this story to life. I am expecting this to need perhaps another five chapters but to be honest, this fic is going every witch way and I am just rolling with it.**

 **Thank you so very much for your comments, kudo's, faves and follows. They always make my day and keep me smiling.**

Pansy stretched her legs and sank into the uncomfortable waiting room chair. Next to her Harry sat stiff and unmoving, his eyes on the receptionist's desk. The receptionist, a young man with long blond hair and specks of acne on his chin, did his utmost best not to look at them. Pansy grinned at him and he bowed his head lower, his lips moving as he counted out the letters on his desk. Letters for the Minister, Pansy assumed. The man was so very busy, so busy that he had refused to see them for the last week and a half. Harry grit his teeth and she placed a hand on his arm and bit her tongue to keep back the 'I told you so.'

'How long are we going to wait today?' Harry asked.

They had come to the Ministry holding hands like children about to get Sorted. Harry's certainty had been infectious and Pansy had allowed herself to believe that it would be easy. They would go to the Minister and he would grand them whatever Harry wanted and then they would go to Antwerp and meet with his cousin and there would be smooth sailing all around for the rest of her life. Of course, real life didn't work that way. It took three days for Harry's comfortable bubble to burst but when he realized that Shacklebolt was not going to see him, was perhaps even avoiding him, his anger burned quick and destructive. Pansy had managed to prevent him from yelling at the lackey with the ungrateful task of delivering the news that Minister Shacklebolt was very-busy-regrettably-so, but she could not prevent him from sitting there as if he was atop of a life wire.

'As long as you want,' she said moving her fingers up his arm, 'I don't need to be anywhere.'

Around them countless Ministry employees were scurrying around like ants trapped in a maze. Sometimes one would give the pair of them a curious look, turn red upon recognizing Harry, and scurry off into an unknown direction. Pansy let out a sigh and started counting the tiles on the ceiling.

The Ministry of Magic, to Pansy, had changed over the years from an impressive castle to boring hub to an anxiety inducing prison, a place she felt she couldn't breathe in, that cut off the circulation of her blood and made her a statue, trapped in her own fear. The first time, with Harry by her side, the Ministry had looked like it was mocking her, reminding her just how far outside of her assigned place she dared to go. After four days though it merely looked like a waiting hall, a place to sit in, like she was sitting now, and look at the walls and think. She had started to quite enjoy herself in this hall with its seemingly endless slew of receptionists and other staff running around all looking so very busy. Busy enough to forget the war they had just collectively gone through.

An hour passed. The blond receptionist disappeared. Harry started thrumming his fingers against his knee. Pansy closed her eyes. It was nice, just to sit here, to know that this was something she still could do without fear. To maybe even imagine that she could belong again, in this place and perhaps to this man next to her, however unexpected that was. The last days had had a routine that she was growing accustomed to. Pick up Harry from Auror training, sit in this waiting hall until the receptionist told them to leave then go home to their room in the Leaky where Harry would rage for a while and then fall asleep in her arms. There was life in this endless waiting, or rather Pansy thought, she enjoyed the waiting for a life.

'I understand the two of you want to speak with me,' said a booming voice above her head. Pansy opened her eyes. The Minster was an impressive sight, she had to admit, power suited him. It made him more approachable, made the way he commanded the room seem natural. He was wearing a formal robe that Pansy immediately saw was hand- made and he was looking down at the two of them. 'I assume this is about your father Miss Parkinson?'

Pansy's lips twisted into a grimace. He actually thought she was here to beg. He thought she brought Harry with her to help her beg. She felt her insides grow cold, her spine straightened. She was incredibly glad that the length of her skirt was just right, that her make-up was flawless and she looked at him, this powerful man, and did not stand up to acknowledge him.

Harry did stand, blinking, he shook her hand off and she saw in his eyes the same foolish hope, the same certainty, as if they had not just spent a week being pointedly rejected.

'Actually, Minister Shacklebolt' he said, at least he had enough brains not to address the Minister by his first name. 'I am here to talk to you about a different matter. Pansy has been kind enough to keep me company these last few days while I waited to see you.'

Pansy's eyebrows shot up. There was steel in his voice and not a hint of friendliness. Had she just underestimated Harry Potter? The thought made her stomach do a backflip.

The Minster looked confused for a fraction of a second, then his shoulders relaxed and the expression on his face became almost friendly. 'I'll gladly make time for you, Harry,' he said. Harry looked back at Pansy.

'Will you wait?' he asked. There was a hint of insecurity to his tone, or perhaps she just imagined it.

'No one's inviting me to come with,' she said almost lazily and both the Minister and Harry blanched. Inwardly, she smiled. There was power here, the kind of power she had been taught how to wield from a young age and yet she found herself unwilling to push further.

'I'll wait,' she said when Harry was about to open his mouth, he closed it again with a snap and Pansy watched, amused, how the colour rose in his cheeks. He was easy to rile she decided. And then she decided, she liked that.

The two men disappeared into a long hallway that, Pansy assumed lead to the Minister's office. To Pansy, it felt like they were leading Harry away from her, the Harry she had come to know and she was suddenly, painfully, afraid of what would return to her. She sat up straight, her eyes fixed on the receptionist, the muscles in her legs tight and painful. She sat like that for what seemed to be ages when the door behind her opened and Draco and Theo appeared. Theo's eyes lit up when he saw her and he grinned and waved but Draco kept looking in front of him.

She felt anger flare up in her, white hot and overwhelming, because Draco Malfoy, her Draco, wouldn't even look at her when it didn't suit him. And then she thought that she had simply lost the ability to exist with her emotions, they would overpower her one by one until she belonged to them bodily. Her eyes to anger, her mind to fear, her heart to… well that one was still being played around with by every single thing she felt. She knew she would run into someone at the Ministry but she had expected that someone to be from Harry's side, Granger, or a Weasley and then she could stand perfectly still and flash her angry eyes and puff her cheeks and think: how unfair and think: is he mine? Isn't he? How stupid are his friends? But here she was and the friends she had run into were hers, or had been hers, and she felt grateful that Harry wasn't there and then ashamed of her gratefulness.

Draco had drawn himself up to his full height, his pointed chin trusted out like an insult. He looked like his father when he tried to hide his feelings, Pansy wondered if he knew that about himself. Probably not. People don't look in mirrors when they are uncomfortable. She wanted to reach out to him, instead she stood and hugged Theo.

'What are you doing here?' Draco asked. Pansy looked at him, she could snap something back, she supposed something along the lines of 'None of your business' or 'Could ask you the same.' Something that would amount to: 'You left me for her'. And then what? It was clear to her that if she did that then whatever vague and uncertain future she was beginning to build with Harry would not become solid. Ever. If she did that, then what was she doing with Harry to begin with? Who would she be if she was the kind of person who used one man's pain while secretly wanting to be with another?

'I'm waiting,' she said and smiled. She didn't want to delve in further, not because she didn't want them to know she was with Harry but because she didn't want them to know why Harry was here to begin with.

'Waiting,' Theo said and sat down into her chair. 'Funny, I'm here to wait too.'

Pansy gave him a quizzical look.

'I want to speak to the Minister,' Draco said. 'Regarding my father.' There was colour in his cheeks now. Pansy was struck by the notion that this boy who was trying so hard to be a man, used to be her friend before they went and got all complicated. Draco used to be just Draco, her confidant, the boy to be friends with and make all her other friends jealous, the one who had taken her hand and led her into her first ballroom, the one who had spent entire nights making her homework with her, preparing for their O.W.L.'s.

She grinned at him. 'Good luck with that. Harry and I had to sit here for more than a week before he deigned to come out. He's acting more like a king then a Minister, though, I suppose there is not much difference.'

Both men looked at her with almost identical expressions of surprise on their faces. Pansy kept her face neutral. She was not going to make a week with Potter ruin her friendships but she also refused to forfeit a chance for a another week.

'You're here with Potter?' Draco asked at the same time as Theo asked ' Aw hole week?'

Pansy sat down next to Theo and rolled her eyes. ' Longer. They refused to see him.'

Theo let out a low whistle. 'Well that does not look hopeful for you then,' he said to Draco. Draco's features relaxed a little.

'Don't know, I mean, a week and some days, it's not even the length of a decent Quidditch match.'

The three of them looked at each other and for some reason started laughing. To Pansy the whole situation suddenly seemed ridiculous. Here they were, she and her two friends, in the waiting hall of the Minister of Magic waiting for her new lover, she couldn't exactly make herself think 'boyfriend', to be done pleading for the dignity of one dead man only for her best friend to go in and plead the dignity of a man who was as good as dead. These were supposed to be the grown-ups the ones they were mean to look up to and aspire to be like. And they had nothing to show for themselves. They had, Pansy thought, nothing on them. Her and her friends who had done and would do more great things, more useful things than these so called adults ever did. She wiped a tear from her cheek and put one hand around Theo's shoulders and the other around Draco's who had sat down beside her.

Love poured through her, uncomplicated and more filling then the anger and when she looked at Draco again she knew she would be able to save their friendship and knew that that was all she truly cared about.

'How's your mom?' she asked.

Draco stopped laughing abruptly. 'Strange, to be honest,' he said frowning. 'She is away from the house a lot, preoccupied. I thought at first it was because of Astoria, that she didn't approve but that doesn't seem to be it.'

'Your mother is one of the most complicated and secretive people I have ever met,' Pansy said 'She-' but she stopped abruptly and looked towards the hall. The blond receptionist was leading Harry back towards her. Draco stood abruptly, his jaw set, his eyes full of uncertainty and dislike. She could see, even from a distance, that Harry was angry, it was in the set of his shoulders the way he moved his body carefully as if trying to keep all the anger from boiling over. When he saw her he froze, his fists were balled and an array of emotions passed on his face. Finally he shook his head, once quickly and walked towards her.

'No luck?' she asked standing to meet him. Harry glanced at her two friends. It felt to Pansy as if she could see a complicated puzzle in full view for the first time. Draco had stood upon seeing Harry and was now at the far end of the hall as far away from the three of them as possible. He was looking at them with an expression only someone who knew him intimately would recognize as lost. Harry looked grateful to for a chance to let out some of his anger as he stared at Draco. Pansy took his hand in hers and he turned to her, confused, as if he had forgotten she was there. She squeezed his fingers.

'What did he say?' she asked again.

'What are you doing here, Malfoy?' Harry asked instead.

'Nothing that concerns you, Potter,' Draco shot back. Pansy let out a frustrated huff. At Hogwarts they had managed to be civil but apparently running into each other like this made them thirteen again. She wanted to slap Harry just as much as she wanted his hand in hers.

Theo was the only one who seemed calm. But Theo, she knew, was always calm, because unlike the three of them, Theo had an escape route. Theo was good at something and she could see in the lines of his face and the glint of his eyes that that something was going to get him out of here. Far away from Hogwarts and Britain and the war and everyone. Theo had known that he would escape somehow, he had known that since he was eleven, and now he had carried that knowledge to fruition and was about to put it to work for him. He stepped between Draco and Harry with the easy confidence of someone who had already detached himself from a former life and thrusted his hand out to Harry.

'I don't think we were ever properly introduced at school, I'm Theodore Nott.'

Harry blinked, startled out of his anger and Draco too, looked confused.

'I know who you are,' Harry said but shook hands anyway. Theo grinned.

'The Minister will see you now,' said the blond receptionist who had been looking at the scene with unhidden glee. Draco started, then nodded and followed the receptionist without looking back at any of them. Theo walked over to one of the chairs and sat back again.

'Well I'm waiting,' he announced. 'Emotional support and all that.' Pansy sighed, glanced at Harry and then sat next to Theo as well. She was going to wait, Draco was her friend and he needed her. She gave Harry a look that she hoped was questioning instead of pleading.

'There is room, Potter,' Theo said. Harry seemed undecided. His lips twitched as if he was about to say something then he seemed to think better of it and he walked over to Pansy and sat next to her. There was silence for a long time.

'You can talk in front of Theo, you know.' Pansy said when she had grown frustrated enough. She wanted to know what happened, wanted to know if their trip to Antwerp was still in the cards, she wanted all this to be over with. Waiting she could handle, but this felt an awful lot like living a life. A confusing life and she refused to do that. Yet.

Harry sighed. 'He said he won't hear anything until I give him…proof.'

'So give him proof,' Pansy said. Harry looked furious again.

'No.'

'And Dudley?' she asked.

Harry turned to her fully, looking lost for a minute as if he had forgotten about everything in life except for this new cause he had found.

'What about Dudley? He is expecting us after my exams, I spoke to him yesterday.'

'So we're going?' Pansy asked. She felt small and because she felt small she glowered at him.

'Of course we're going,' Harry said. 'You were right, this thing is going to take a lot longer than I thought.'

'Things usually do,' Theo said smiling. He sounded curious but Pansy knew him well enough to know he was never going to ask. Anything at all. She gave Harry a glance and when he shrugged she answered.

'Harry and I are going to Antwerp, his cousin lives there.'

Theo's eyes lit up. 'Nice, for how long? Will you be back in April?'

'What's in April?' Pansy asked.

'Me going to Japan,' Theo said. 'Snape left me recommendation letters and Mahoutokoro School of Magic has the best Potions program all around. I mean, I have money, why not spent it?'

'Plus it's in Japan,' Pansy grinned.

'Definite plus,' Theo agreed. 'Although Millie will be upset I will miss the opening of her shop.'

'I can handle Millicent,' Pansy said.

'Snape left you recommendation letters?' Harry asked, his eyes were big with surprise.

Theo nodded. 'I was always good with potions.'

'And always very modest about it,' Pansy said rolling her eyes. Harry's lips quirked up as if he was about to smile.

'And you are running away to Japan?' he asked.

'Exactly Potter, running and not ashamed.'

Pansy sat back and listened as a conversation u folded about the Japanese school and the pro's and cons of studying so far away. Sometimes she put in a remark but if truth be told studying didn't interest her anymore. She had trouble keeping a bored expression. Harry had slipped his arm around her while he talked and she leaned into him and Theo did not say anything, did not even look at her. The realization that she was stepping out into the world hand in hand with Harry Potter still pierced her like a needle. But here in this moment as the two men discovered their similarities and told each other of their futures she could see something more. She knew she was wanted, she had only to look into Harry's eyes to know she was, but this was something different. As she heard the two men make ridiculous plans to go out for ice cream she thought this might be acceptance. She leaned into Harry's shoulder. This was trust. And while she had no idea what to do with it the magnitude of what she saw unfolding before her lulled her into a sense of peace she didn't think she was ever going to reach again.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Huge thanks to my wonderful beta: quickhidetherum for sticking with me and the story. I am truly trying to wrap things up, but these characters have a mind of their own and are refusing to do what I say so, I do what they want for now. Hope it's still enjoyable to you. Thank you so very mch for all the reviews, kudo's, faves and follows. I am so happy that you guys are enjoying the story. For those of you who are also reading TEL, hope you like the snippets that I dropped into this chapter and also TEL will return in March I hope.**

 **Chapter 11**

There were still patches of snow on the ground but spring was crawling, fighting it's way out of it's wintery slumber. Nature was determined to go on. A dandelion fought it's way between the cobblestones on Diagon Ally it's head turned up, searching for the sun. Harry stepped on the budding flower, then caught Pansy looking at him. He couldn't help his anger. The melting snow meant he would be forced through another May, another summer. He didn't imagine that going well. He swallowed, willing his lips back into a smile and held the door of the ice cream shop open for her. Pansy rolled her eyes but her fingers brushed his when she walked by. Theo Nott, Hermione, the Delacour sisters and Luna Lovegood followed her.

It was painful inside the shop, the knowledge that Florean Fortescue was gone gnawed at Harry in an overly familiar way. As his little group stood, uncertainty, between the door and the tables he thought that he was beyond grief, there was simply too much of it and he felt small and hideous and he and Theo stood behind the women and Harry didn't know if they were hiding behind them. He caught Pansy's eye again she looked like she wanted to flee. Harry squeezed his eyes shut for a second, incredibly grateful that at least someone in this shop felt the same way he did. Theo walked over to the nearest table and sat down looking around curiously. Luna followed him and after her, the rest of them, as if Luna had given some sort of command and they, soldiers that they were, followed. Only Gabrielle, Fleur's younger sister, looked mildly bored.

They ordered and Harry took his cup of ice with trembling fingers. It felt like he was holding some secret piece of his childhood, the only one he had ever known, and it was calling out to him only he was too hardened, too solid now to truly hear it. He took up his spoon, placed a too big chunk of ice cream into his mouth and almost choked on it.

The shop was slowly and steadily filling with customers. The new shop owner, a man that looked nothing like Florean with his glasses and carefully constructed smile, seemed a bit put out by the sheer number of them. The shop had been all but empty when they stepped inside and the new owner had seemed to prefer it that way. Harry couldn't help thinking it was their little group that was bringing the onlookers in.

He sat in-between Pansy, who was licking her own pink ice cream cone, and Gabrielle. The girl looked put out by something, her arms were crossed, and she was glaring at her older sister clearly willing Fleur to notice her. When that didn't happen, she stamped her foot and slumped in her chair. Pansy grinned at her with an amused glint in her eyes, but Harry found himself unable to look at her for long. She was too clean, too perfect with her long blond hair and unblemished skin. When her ice cream arrived she grinned and started eating it, savoring the taste with her eyes closed. She was still a child in many ways and Harry felt jealous because he could not remember being like a child, ever. Not like that.

Pansy's knee kept ticking against his nervously, the only sign that she was uncomfortable. She had counted on Theo being there, but now they were in a group of seven total. He imagined that was too much for Pansy who had been hiding from everyone and everything ever since the Final Battle. He put a hand on her knee hoping she would see the gesture as comforting but she only glared at him until he removed his hand, and resumed listening to Fleur who was talking about a choice of school for Gabrielle. Apparently Beauxbatons had been rejected, or had rejected Gabrielle, Harry didn't quite follow, and now the options were limited.

They had run into Fleur, Hermione, Luna and Gabrielle as they waited for Theo outside the ice cream shop. The three girls appeared out of the used book shop next to them, like some miracle, and Harry quickly invited them to join in. Now all of them sat in front of a large window that looked new, on seats that felt new and ate ice cream that was perhaps not new. Harry sat back and allowed himself to exhale. Whatever he feared (and what he feared always included, death and blood and pain) was not going to happen. There was a conversation going on, multiple of them in fact, Luna was filling Theo in on Japan and Gabrielle and Fleur were arguing in a mix of French and English with Pansy looking on with an amused smile. He let out another breath.

It was wonderful to be surrounded by people again, people who didn't need anything from him. Who were content with him just sitting there and not talking. It reminded him a bit of being at the Weasley's and that memory shattered the pleasant lull that had been luring him in. He most likely would never sit at a Weasley table. He looked around the shop in hopes of hiding the pain that thought brought with it and balled a fist. Pansy glanced his way and her knee came to rest against his. Harry sat straighter.

The shop reminded him of the excitement he felt when at thirteen he had ran away from home and spent his days in freedom, carefree and filled with wonder that made him feel like it was all possible. A life without the Dursleys, a life without Voldemort, without destinies. He had never felt that free again and as he looked around the table the longing for that freedom sat in his throat and crept to his heart. He wanted to turn and kiss Pansy and look into her face and see the promise of that freedom in her eyes. He wanted to make his own table, fill it with people he was not ashamed around and still have Ron and Ginny and George and most of all Fred, at that table with him.

A group of giggling girls passed by, staring and whispering and then sat as close to their group as they could ordering their own ice cream. Hermione glared at them. She was sitting next to Theo who was listening to Luna's account of how Kappa's were in fact friendly and where one should best look for them while in Japan, with what looked like genuine interest. Her dirty blond hair hung over her shoulders hiding her cherry shaped earrings and the scar on her cheek. Harry put a hand on Hermione's arm.

'You ok?' he asked. It was easier to ask about her feelings than show his own. He thought he was projecting his own anger and fear onto her because Hermione looked wounded, her eyes were blazing with a light he had never seen there before and her posture was stiff. She shifted and twisted her arm away from him. When she looked at him the frown was gone from her face and she was smiling again. The smile felt forced to Harry, as if she had painted it on. Of course, this was Hermione, and thus the fake smile was a perfect painting. He shook off his unease. This was Hermione and she was fine, she always was. She had to be. He realized with a pang of guilt that he needed her to be fine, needed her to be the Hermione who scolded him for not having read a book, to be the Hermione who could argue with him about his glasses and spell work. Friendship and bravery, she once told him, those were the important things, and she had made good on those words and now he wanted her to be his shield again.

'I'm fine,' she said, still glaring in the direction of the giggling girls. 'Ron and I set a date.' There was something in her tone of voice that reminded Harry of the time she had taken Cormac McLaggen to Slughorn's party, the same kind of fierce determination that told Harry not to ask questions.

'That's great,' Harry said.

'Yes.' She paused and bit her lip then added, 'We miss you at the Burrow.'

'I wasn't sure I was welcome.' It was the truth. Both Ron and Hermione had felt distant lately. He figured Ron was simply mad at him and Hermione had probably chosen her fiancé's side. He felt hollow thinking about it and so tried not to. There were some days now, when he sat with Pansy in that endless waiting hall, or watched her put on make-up to face another day, when Harry could imagine some form of a future. The shape was still far away, foreign and frightening, but he could not deny that it was there, shaping up like a mirage in a hot summer, beckoning to him and holding out possibility on a silver platter.

But he could not imagine a future without Ron and Hermione at his side. The mirage he pictured only became real when he thought of his two best friends. And yet, the reality was that they were drifting apart. He wanted them back, Hermione and Ron, wanted to silence the voice inside him that whispered that they had only been good comrades in war time and now peace had come and brought a veil that they could not fit under together, much like they could not fit under his Invisibility cloak anymore. He had no idea how to get his friends back, how to make the mirage future real. Pansy was a part of it, yes, but she was not enough, he could not ask her to be enough, to be his everything. He gripped the edge of the table picturing a future in which all he would get was the polite and distant Ron of the past few weeks and this secretive, angry Hermione.

'You are welcome at the Burrow, Harry.' Hermione frowned. 'Where were you this past few weeks? I went by Grimmauld's but you weren't there.'

'I've been at the Ministry,' Harry said. He could feel Pansy listening in on the conversation. 'Pansy and I have been trying to get Kingsley to talk to me. I want to see if I can get Snape acquitted,' he said with pride. Maybe he could rope Hermione and Ron into this new mission somehow, he could use their help.

Hermione's face hardened. Theo turned as well, his eyes were wide.

'You are what?'

'You need to stop,' Hermione bit out and Theo frowned at her. She glared at Pansy. 'I thought I told you to ma- to talk to him?' Pansy set up straighter and rolled her eyes.

'Your turn, Granger,' she said. 'Obviously he won't listen to me.'

Harry looked from one woman to the other and grit his teeth. So, they thought they could run his life for him. He wished the idea filled him with rage but all it did was fill him with a sort of calm, a surrender. He would live and do whatever they said and there would be no need to bother about anything. But then Ginny's face rose in his mind and he remembered how much he had hurt the both of them thinking that he could live and do whatever Ginny said to do. The idea had been as tempting as the idea to follow Pansy's lead but he knew that if he allowed that, at some point he would rebel, break and break violently, and then he would break Pansy too.

'You both don't understand,' he said. 'I need to do this. It's not right, I need to… I need to make it right.'

Hermione leaned her elbows on the table and was about to open her mouth when Theo interrupted her.

'I think it's a great idea,' he said sounding serious. He looked at Harry, there was no grin, mocking, friendly, or otherwise on his face for the first time since Harry had seen him with Draco at the Ministry. 'I want to help,' he said. 'How can I help?'

'See?' Harry said and gave the women a triumphant glance. 'Theo agrees.'

Theo nodded.

Pansy's lips formed a thin line. 'Of course he does, you're both idiots,' she murmured. Theo glared at her.

'It's not about-' he started.

'You need to drop it Harry, I mean it,' Hermione said. The steel in her voice cut across the table silencing even Fleur and Gabrielle. 'At least for now, especially now.'

'Why?' Harry asked 'Because you and Ron say so?'

Hermione blinked, her cheeks turning red. 'I don't see how Ron has anything to do with it,' she said. Her fingers traveled over her left hand to the ring on her finger and she turned it a number of times as if reassuring herself that it was still there. Then she glowered at Harry once more. 'You need to stop because…you'll ruin…' she stopped suddenly and stared at the table. Harry recognized the signs, she was biting her lip, staring fixedly at one point, her fingers fidgeting in her lap. She was holding back a lecture. The sight was so endearing, so familiar, that he grinned without meaning to. Hermione shot him a warning look.

'Ruin what?' Theo asked. 'What can he possibly ruin?'

'How do you think this looks-,' Hermione started turning to Theo fully now.

'I don't care how it looks.' Harry interrupted. He settled more comfortably into his chair and prepared to argue.

'The trials are in full swing,' Hermione continued in a furious whisper, ignoring him. 'Aurors are on high alert, there are people being sent to Azkaban still and you're inside the Ministry everyday shouting about Snape. They'll..'she stopped and crossed her arms before her chest looking down and shaking her head so that her curls fell in front of her face partly obscuring it. 'They might make you testify.'

Harry shrugged. 'So? I'll testify,' he said. The idea had not crossed his mind before but now that he considered it, the thought of testifying was tempting. He would be back in the thick of things, there would me a clear goal again. He would not have to think of his studies, of Ron and Hermione and Pansy, of the train that was waiting for him at King's Cross to bring him to Dudley, to a life he could not possibly know how to lead. Hermione's eyes softened as she watched him.

'You already did your part, Harry. They can't force you to do any more,' she said looking at him as if he was about to break. Harry hated that look.

'Why not?' he asked. ' I can still do something, I can be-'he was about to say 'important' but he bit his tongue and glanced around the table. Conversation had stopped and all of them were looking at him, Harry felt his spine uncurl, his breath coming in a shallow, slow rhythm. Pansy looked at him steadily, her dark eyes narrowed, her body still as if she was afraid to move.

'If you testify,' she said quietly,' they'll make you show them proof.'

Hermione nodded grimly. Then she pushed her curls out of her face and sat up taking a bite form her half melted ice cream.

Harry felt the fire of defiance freeze inside him. He looked from Hermione who still looked grim but seemed to come out of whatever rage had gripped her, to Pansy who looked like she wanted to disappear. They had him cornered. He refused to show Snape's memories to anyone and both women knew that. And Pansy was right if he would be called before the Wizengamot to testify and if he talked about Snape, he would have to show them those memories. That felt like betrayal. He sighed, he would have to find another way. He would find some other way.

Theo and Gabrielle looked curiously between the two women as well. Only Luna seemed calm, looking out of the window at the grim streets outside. All of them wore the marks of war. It was in Hermione's eyes, Theo's ever present grin. He knew it was in the way Luna stared out of the window her whole body turned, clearly wanting no part in the conversation. Only Gabrielle looked undisturbed, a bit shaken by the turn of the conversation perhaps, but otherwise she looked fine. A twelve year old girl whose only concern was the trouble she had put herself in at school. She turned to Fleur eager to resume the argument and said something in French but Fleur silenced her with a glance. What leaped out at Harry was how fine, how unblemished, how whole she looked. He was about to get mad at her, he could feel the anger stir inside him but then he remembered how frail she had looked under the water, remembered his determination to save her, save Hermione and Ron as well. He wanted to be that man again, the one who saved them all. That man wouldn't have to deal with Dudley or return to Grimmauld Place and finally clean out Sirius' things. That man could go on another grand adventure with his friends. That man would also be a coward and running away. Coward. He had shouted that word at Snape across fields of time and memory and murder and now that same voice was shouting the word back at him.

'So what's that school in Amsterdam like?' he asked Ganrielle, breaking the tense silence that had made the young new owner of the ice cream shop look at their table with worry. Gabrielle shook out her hair and glared at Fleur.

'Only the best school there is,' she said in broken but articulate English.

Fleur sighed. 'You are not going, you're too young.'

'She has you there,' Harry said. Gabrielle turned her furious glare to him.

'See, Harry agrees,' Fleur said giving Harry a radiant smile. The two women resumed arguing under their breaths.

'We're going to Antwerp,' Pansy said to Hermione. 'Soon.' Hermione nodded shaking off the last bits of darkness around her and turned to listen in on the conversation between the two sisters. Pansy sat back and took up her ice cream. Something passed between the two women a wordless understanding that was evident in the slump of Pansy's shoulders, the way Hermione's eyes settled on her without turning to slits.

'I hope you have a good trip,' she said.

'Millicent has a beauty parlor. She could use the publicity of doing a wedding.'

'I'll think about it,' Hermione said. 'Thank you.'

Harry sat back and allowed the conversations around the table to wash over him.

Another puzzle piece had fallen into place. He didn't exactly know what that piece was and there was no way he was going to give up on the idea of exonerating Snape, he would have to speak to Theo about it, but something switched inside him. He remembered that adventures were scary sometimes, that they used to scare him. Before gambling with his life became a thing that he did on a regular basis. He would not be a coward, he owed that much to the dead. He owed it to himself. His new life could be around the corner of he would let it take shape and perhaps in that he could give back to those who were gone because of him. He would build his own table, he decided and he looked at the members of his little group and felt freedom.


End file.
